Weekend 180

Wow. Did my soul just take a bath or what? This weekend totally made me closer to God. Just everything about it was awesome. So I guess this blog I’m going to write about stuff that happened and just stuff I learned, yeah. It may be long so let’s get started(:

I had no plans of coming to this event. I didn’t want to be with people I didn’t know, I wanted to be in my bed at my friends house, not in some strangers house with people I didn’t know. This was my thinking. But then good ole Kirstin sent a tweet about what she was thinking about doing this weekend and some incredible person named Ashley saw it. She found out I wasn’t going and started trying to convince me to go. Ashley is a really just awesome for real. She’s one of my role models. Her heart is solely on God, she doesn’t let guys or anything stop her from Him. Maybe some time we will get to know each other better, but I’m just grateful I get to see her at church, and see the crazy things God’s doing through her. So it meant a lot that she took the time to talk to me. Anyways, I really didn’t want to go but I started praying, asking God what He wanted, and slowly He started reveling His wants to me. He was showing me that the only real reasons I didn’t want to go where selfish, and that I needed to go. Ashley wasn’t the only messenger he sent me though, see he sent two others, my friend Vickey and Lindsay. They were trying to get me to go to, and surely everything just started following into place. It was awesome.

Some of my favorite parts about this weekend where Keith’s message, the bible study time where we went off in solitude and just spent alone time with God with no distractions, DJ promote/dance party, the worship after that, talking with my leader Holly, and mostly just learning about God even more. So basically the whole weekend.

I loved Keith’s testimony. He had everything our world offered yet he wasn’t fulfilled, he still was empty inside, he still was looking for things to fill it. I really loved when he started naming some of the things we use to fill that hole inside of us. Eating disorders, sex, relationships, cutting, etc. When he said cutting my mind took me back to before I was saved, when I was using that to make me feel something. This took me back before I knew God, and suicide was an option, because I felt unloved, broken from my past, worthless. Keith continued his message. He told us the story of the little girl with the fake pearl necklace. It made me think about that day when I was saved. God was constantly telling me through people at my church that he was there to make me new if I gave Him myself. Yet I always said no. But then one day at Revolve I gave Him my pearl necklace, and WOW has he made me feel even better than a really pearl necklace. He changed me. Everything about me. I did nothing it was him. My past no longer bonded me. I felt so loved. He took this worthless girl and gave it worth. I loved Keith’s message because it really is for everyone saved or not, it helped me go back and see all God has took me out of. It helped me see how great our God is all over again.

One of our bible studies we learned how to pray like Jesus wanted us to. We got to go off and be alone in solitude and just pray and talk to God. This alone time with no distractions just made me feel peace. It totally set up my day, it was refreshing. I do this every night before I sleep but sometimes I cut it off short cause I’m tired. How selfish is that? I really need more time to get to know God, alone time. They suggested that just taking time off your phone or something. So what I’m going to start doing is instead of using my phone in the mornings before school and during school, not to use it. I really feel like my phone is a HUMOOOOGOOO distraction from me and God. Believe me this weekend I didn’t have it and I felt so good because of that.

Then there was the awesome dance party with DJ promote. I always love LifePoint’s dances cause it so much fun, and all my friends go crazy haha and its hilarious seeing the leaders go wild on the dance floor *cough* Jason, Ashley, Michelle, Holly, Erica. Its also awesome to because it shows that grinding, and getting up on people isn’t the only way you can have fun at a dance. So after DJ promote I was like SO PUMPED ON JESUS, like talk about spiritual high. By the time worship came on I was just all Jesus’ey, that was one of the best worships I have had in a while, it was sooo… just AHHH. Breather you know(:

I hate saying this but I didn’t even spend the night the second night, I was sick so I wanted to go home. Holly is so awesome like for real, she’s the nicest person. So while we were waiting for my mom she and I got some time to just sit and talk together. We just talked about Jesus, life, college, geometry (you know(: ). It was fun to just connect with her and get to know her better. I hope we can get to do that again.

Lastly, this weekend I got to learn more about Jesus. It taught me that even though I read my bible if I don’t spend the time getting to know the God that actually wrote it, then it’s pointless. I need to start spending more time with Him alone with NO DISTRACTIONS, no noise, no phone, no nothing, just me and Him. Also I learned that when I pray it shouldn’t just be me talking to Him, I need to take the time and just listen. That’s huge cause most of the times once I say what I want I say Amen, then it’s done, but we really need to just listen. We also did this bible quiz to see if we really know the bible and I found that I really need to start getting to know my bible more, start memorizing the verses, and diligently reading it verse for verse.

So that was my weekend. Thanks Ashley, Holly, Michelle, and Jason for making this weekend so amazing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDSAY! :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDSAY! :D

Sooooo…. You’re 28 now…. How’s it feel? Feel any older? I really didn’t know what I could get you that was better than what you did for my birthday, and when I thought I had a great idea you ended up finding out about it *cough* Brooklyn Lindsey, so I decided to write this little post for you (I know pretty lame right) Where do I start? I guess from the beginning right?

I think I was at my 5 month mark, Easter day, who would have thought that a single tweet would create such a friendship? Right away once you tweeted me your picture caught my eye, I know I’ve told you this a million times, but DANG did you look like Jenna. I remember in that moment I had this feeling that we were going to becoming good friends. I actually prayed to God and told Him that I thought you were pretty cool and asked Him if maybe we could get to know each other better… lol… guess he answered that prayer.

So yeahhh… I started getting to know you better, and I realized how opposite we are, why would God put the two of us together? Haha(: Then to find out you worked for Revolve, like come on, God totally had our friendship planned out from the beginning.

The first time I skyped you I was so nervous, I literally padded on make-up because I didn’t want you to think I was ugly and stop talking to me. But you’ve shown me what true beauty is, not what’s on the outside but what’s on the inside, I don’t even find the need to put make-up on around you anymore.

But the real reason why I am writing this is to tell you how much I love you. I know I’ve told you this a million times, but make it a million and one. Lindsay if you weren’t in my life things would be so much different, you literally were a gift from God. I think you’re the only person in the world that knows almost all of my baggage, yet you still love me. It amazes me that you can see me for who I am and still not abandon me. On some of the darkest days you’ve been there to support me; words can’t describe how much you mean to me.

What you’re doing with your life inspires me. I could only hope that I would have the guts to do what you did and go after my dreams. Something about the way you write makes things seems like it’s going to be okay. Reading your blog always lifts my spirits, even after some of the hardest days. There’s just something about you that clicks with us teens.

Linds never stop being you, cause you are amazing. Keep staying strong in the Lord, keep writing, keep learning, keep doing you this year(:

I just hope that the day I’m turning 28 that I am half the woman you are in Christ, half the friend you are, half the wife you are, half the daughter you are, half the sister you are, I love you friend. Hope I put a smile to your face(:

p.s: I’m giving you my real gift when I see you next(:

Attention

                I definitely would say that I have struggled with this word “attention” in my life. Most of it probably stemmed from not feeling enough at home. My parents were always at work, the only time I would see them was late at night, and this really did have a huge affect on me. I guess this issue really got at its height in eight grade (I’ve probably said this story a million times on my blog so if you want to read about it click here). I was so overwhelmed with different emotions yet it felt like no one noticed! I had this deep desire in my heart for someone to notice me and help. I think that’s a big reason why I cut – for attention. I would have NEVER said that if you asked me, because I honestly believed that wasn’t the reason I did it. But God has finally burdened me and told me that attention really was it.

                

                 The past few days I have been looking back on my recent weeks and months and have started questioning myself. Am I filling my attention void now by telling people my testimony and starting the HOPE project? Doing these things has brought the same attention to me as cutting did. And if cutting for attention was bad, then isn’t telling people my testimony and gaining attention bad too?

   

  Well I started to believe that. Attention in my past = bad, so Attention for what I am doing now should = bad too, right? I got really low about this thought, particularly about an hour ago. So I started writing and venting to God about my issues. I don’t want to then out of nowhere he hit me with this thought.

It’s not receiving attention that’s bad, it’s what we do with that attention that really matters.

Actually getting attention isn’t a bad thing, Jesus received a ton of it! Yet he didn’t get caught up in “Oh look how many people like me and think I’m cool” because he realized his worth. His worth didn’t come from man or man-made things, they came from God. His relationship with God filled him so he didn’t have that need to become noticed and popular with man. This is what I believe I need to do too. Although I am receiving attention for my HOPE project and testimony, I can’t look at that and think my worth comes from people noticing me, or from people liking me. I have to know that my worth comes from something not man-made, it comes from the God whom I love. 

The attention I get from doing good in His name has no comparison to the attention I received while cutting. The attention received while cutting was where I found my worth. But now I can do the things I am now and receive the same attention, but not find my worth in it. That is the difference I have, JESUS – knowing that I don’t have to look for people to notice me or except me because he already does.

“Don’t let what you’re doing identify you, think of it as a gift from God” -Jason

Praise God! Amen.