Blurry

While in Ethiopia I got to meet some of the happiest people I have ever met before. They had nothing materially but were completely full of joy and life. I learned that Jesus truly is everything a person needs to survive. I learned about the depth of His character and the joy found in Him. Once back from Ethiopia, I was submerged back in Americas materialistic culture. My view of Jesus was so clear in Ethiopia, I “got it”. But now that I am back in America my view of Him is blurred again. I know He is the same, I just can't see Him as clear. I hate this. I hate being morphed by our culture. I just want to see Jesus again like I did in Ethiopia. I think that's another reason why I want to move their so bad. The Devil is trying to tell me I can't experience God like I did in Ethiopia while in America. I know that's a lie, but its almost true. How can I see God when there are idols and stuff in the way? How can I live with the same dependence when I am comfortable? There is nothing in my life where I truly need to rely on Him. Inside me I am trying to find where, what, how. I just want to experience God like I did in Ethiopia. I don't want to be conformed by this World. This seems like a helpless situation. Jesus, you are the only one that can show me the Way, the Way out, the Way to life, the Way to joy, the Way to Truth. Nothing is impossible through You who gives me strength. Break the chains around me. Reveal the idols. Point me towards you. Teach me to how to depend on you in America- show me what that means. How can I grow when I am so comfortable? I want pain to happen so I can dig deeper in Your heart. I want to do something. I just don't know what to do. I want my life to matter. What should I do Jesus? Show me. Help me fight the Devil. I need You. Help me be h a p p y. Help me find j o y. Help me have l I f e. Revive these dead bones, with a fresh breath of your spirit. You are good, all the time, all the time, all the time.  

What now?

Ethiopia is now a moment in the past, the future awaits me. It's now my senior year of high-school, so college is on my mind, right? Not exactly. All I know is that before I left for Ethiopia I had this thought in my heart that I would move there. In Addis, I sat on the balcony for the last couple hours before leaving. I kept thinking, whens the next time I am going to be back. In the airport leaving, I was crying, not because I missed my family, but because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving this country. I wanted to stay so bad. But still in my heart I had this knowledge that I would be back, that leaving was only temporary. I am back in America and I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't angry. I am mad. I don't want to be here. But I trust God. He has me in America for this season of my life for a reason, so I will follow Him. A day after being back I was on my back porch, peering out in the distance. I looked at the woods I grew up playing in, where so many memories had been made. I looked at my basketball court and the hours I spent practicing on it- hoping to get in the WNBA. But inside me, for the first time ever, I felt like this wasn't my home. That America, the place I have lived for 16 years of my life wasn't my home. I am so confused by these emotions. How could I be feeling this way about Ethiopia if I have only been there for 7 days? I don't understand. Now I am left waiting. Patiently waiting on the God of the Universe to open a door for me to return to Ethiopia. What if all these thoughts and feelings are a lie? What if I am supposed to go to college right after high school? Worst of all, what if God isn't calling me to Ethiopia? So many emotions. So many doubts. So many fears. But I have one constant. No matter what happens, Ethiopia, college, whatever, Jesus is with me. God has a huge plan for my life, whether or not Ethiopia is involved. Jesus loves me so much. I still have my best friend fighting for me. He loves me and wants my dreams to come true. Even if Jesus breaks my heart and I am not moving to Ethiopia, I will praise Him. I will worship Him. I will follow Him. I will scream from the mountain tops that He is Lord. Jesus is everything. He is all I need to fill me up, to be whole. I don't need Ethiopia, I need Jesus and I already have Him. So no matter what happens in the next week, I will praise Him and love Him the best I can.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Where ever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

That my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of my Savor

Good Friday

20 The parents must say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious and REFUSES to OBEY. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ 21 Then all the men of his town must STONE HIM to death. In this way, you will purge this evil from among you, and all Israel will hear about it and be afraid. 22 “If someone has COMMITTED a crime worthy of death and is executed and HUNG ON A TREE, 23 the body must not remain hanging from the tree overnight. You must bury the body that same day, for anyone who is hung is CURSED in the sight of God.

-Deuteronomy 21:20-23

This is crazy to me, verse 20-21. We are that person that deserves to be stoned to death. How many times have we not listened to our parents? This is what we would be subjected to if Jesus didn't die on the cross and give us the gift of Salvation through belief in Him. Yet, Jesus, the Son of God, OBEYED his Father, one aspect we still haven't grasped. Jesus, after being betrayed by Judas, was then scourged (beaten harshly, sometimes led to death itself) "Mark 15:15" paralleling Deuteronomy 21:21.

Then it continues in verse 22. "Committed a crime punishable by death". We have committed that crime, while Jesus' crime stated above him on the cross, in three different languages, was he was "the King of the Jews". Are Messiah had committed no crime. Verse 22 then says "he is put to death, and you hang him on tree". Crucifixion on a tree was the lowest deaths someone could have had. This part parallels Acts 10:39,

“And we apostles are witnesses of all he did throughout Judea and in Jerusalem. They put him to death by hanging him on a tree."

Finally in verse 23 it says, "for a hanged man is cursed by God". We should be this person hanging on the cross, cursed by God. But innocent Jesus placed ALL our sin, shame, and guilt on Him so we can be FREE from the LAW. Why? Because the Son of God OBEYED His Father, the God of the universe, who LOVES us SO SO MUCH. Today He is betrayed, beaten, and crucified. It should have been us. Praise the Lord! For his never-ending love!!

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
- Isaiah 53:5 (written 700 years before Jesus)