Student becomes Teacher

In the past years, whenever I got anxiety attacks I would go talk to Dr. Burns -a psychologist.

If you haven't had a panic attack before I'll try to explain the feeling to you...

You can't stop moving. Your whole body won't stop shaking, no matter how hard you try to stop it. The feeling of fear takes over your whole body. Like a wave of darkness, is taking over you soul. There is no escape. You feel as though it will never stop. Your heart starts to pump- it pumps faster and you start fearing that you're having a heart attack. There is no escape. You feel like you're dieing- and as far as you know, you are dieing.

My anxiety has come back in the last week. Every night I have had an attack. But, it was different this time. Before I knew what was causing them, the triggers. But, this time, I had no triggers. It was as though it was happening and I couldn't control it. Like, God was wanting me to have them.

Come to find out, He did want me having them, because he knew what I was going to do- talk to Dr. Burns.

As I drove to his office, I knew in my mind that I was supposed to talk to him about Jesus. Do you know that feeling? I asked God to use me, and speak through me, to help him find Jesus. I know I can't change him, the only person that can change him is God!

He's a psychologist, so obviously he was asking me questions, trying to get me to think. But, I had already though about them, so answering them was easy. I'm not sure how I started the conversion but we started talking about Jesus. Last time I went, we talked about Jesus, and I found out he was a non-believer.

I started telling him the story about my grandmother. My grandmother was at work and feel off a ladder, broke her leg, then past out. She then appeared in what she explained as a “heavenly place”. She keep telling me how words can't describe it, but she did tell me “I felt 100% loved, 100% peace, 100% joy”. I told him this story, and noticed he didn’t believe a word I was saying. So I decided to tell him what God later did in my grandmother's life.

She got diagnosed with a terminal disease, she had a couple months to live. Unlike some people, she never asked God to heal her. You know why? She wanted to go back to that place she was at, heaven! But, I prayed, my family prayed. The next 3 days, my grandmother was completely healed!!!! The doctors had no explanation! When I told Dr. Burns this, I knew I got his attention.

I talked more on this subject. But, then I told him about the book “Heaven is for Real”. After I told Dr. Burns about the book, he looked at me and said last week he picked up that book, and it's been stuck in his head all week! He was amazed. Then I told him how I asked God, if my purpose for these anxiety was to talk to Dr. Burns, than there would be an opening today. Then he told me that he never has an opening.

Our talk turned into me asking him questions, instead of he asking me questions. I was teaching him, when he was supposed to be teaching me. Lol(:

I know this was one reason for my anxiety. There is always a purpose in everything! Dr. Burns wants me to e-mail him in a week, to see how I'm feeling. But, secretly I know why -he wants to know if God healed me. And you know what, I honestly believe he will get rid of my anxieties when he is done with my purposes to have them. That's reassuring, cause there is an end!

Fearing

In the past, my first response to anything, was to run. I'd run away from my troubles- hid in my own little world, and wish everything in the world would go away. The “What Ifs” started to take over my life. What if she killed herself? What if I have an anxiety attack? What if I cut again? What if, What if, What if. The What if's where causing fear!

I'm so scared of fear itself, it's been causing me anxiety, lately. I'd get scared of having anxiety, which in turn, caused the anxiety, which than turned into an anxiety attack, which got me scared of when I would have my next attack. It was like a death cycle. Lately, I've been back in this cycle. It's been killing me.

In the bible it says:

“God has not given us the spirit of fear. But he has given us a spirit of power and love and self-control.”

2 Timothy 1:7

I know God isn't giving me my anxiety attacks, he didn't give me the spirit of fear! But, in this verse he gives me an answer to my problems. He say's, “he has given us a spirit of power and love and self-control.” That's the answer to our fears. Power. Love. Self-control. I've been working on self-control- I'm amazed at how much you CAN control in your body! You'll be surprised, and God gave us that gift! Another way God has given me a way to control my anxiety's and fears- is through prayer.

“Do not be anxious about anything. Instead in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and minds in Jesus Christ.”

Philippians 4:6-7

Face your fears. God is stronger than anyone or anything or any situation you're in!

My Story

Everything in life has a meaning, everything we go through has a purpose. God doesn't make us go through things if he didn't have it in His plan for us. God doesn't like seeing us suffer, but I think the suffering is necessary. With out the suffering in my life, I wouldn't have been able to help my friend who was cutting, I wouldn't have been able to comfort my friend who was going to kill herself, I wouldn't have been able to preach to the lost. I truly think if I didn't go through this stuff I wouldn't have found Jesus in the first place.

During the 2 year low period in my life -a lot of things happened. A lot of things that I've been carrying around, a burden deep inside me. Recently I've been looking back on those years- it been surprising, I've forgotten so much about those years. I think it was due to the amount of pain I was feeling, I couldn't live with remembering it- let alone sharing it with people! To this day, I don't think I've told one person my whole story, which is kind of sad. Today I'm going to share some of it with you guys, in hope you get the strength to tell yours and realize you never know what people are going through.

“Share your testimony” Luke 6:14

If you where my friend all through middle school, you would have never spotted a difference in me in 8^th grade compared to 6^th grade. I was the happiest kid around right? I was always the one making everyone laugh. There couldn't be anything wrong with her, she seems so happy! But, inside of me there was a big difference, a big pain I was facing day to day -and day to day that pain grew bigger, until there came a point where I couldn't face it anymore.

My best friend, Kayla, has been my friend since 6^th grade. There where no two people in our school who where closer than Kayla and I. We where in the same classes almost every year! We where there for each other through thick and thin. But, if you know me, you know I don't share how I'm feeling. I keep everything to myself. Sometimes that comes and bites me in the butt.

My friend, Haley, started hinting to me she was going to kill herself. When I asked, she begged me not to tell anyone. My life started revolving around her. A week later she told me that her parents where abusing her. But, the guilt of being the only person knowing was really getting to me. She said if I told, then she would have to kill herself cause if she didn't here parents would. All of this stuff, and teacher problems at school, on top of my problems at home -it started weighing on me. I heard about cutting through a friend at my youth group- come to find out later EVERYONE was cutting in our small youth group. Then one night, after a fight with my parents, I cut. I'll never be able to take that back, I'll never be able to get rid of the scars. Once you start it's like an other addiction, you feel like you NEED to cut. Then it gets harder and harder to quit.

The next Sunday when I saw Haley, I notice she was wearing long sleeves, like me. When I asked, she showed me her cut... we cut on the same day. The next weeks at school where really hard. No one noticed a difference, I put on my fake smile like it was an accessory. Laughter was my mask. My English teacher Mrs.Snader didn't help either. She did everything in her power to make me feel like poop. Every day I remember leaving her class always feeling like I'm not important. One time she took Kayla and I out of class and started screaming at us, she left the door open also, so everyone could hear. Then she told us to stay after class -where she proceed to tell my best friend to stop being my friend because I wasn't a good influence on her. I wonder sometimes if she knew Kayla was the only one holding me together, if she still would have said that.

One day during social studies I decided I was going to tell Kayla about my cutting. At this point, I needed someone to talk to, someone who was going to help me. When I told her, she seemed so surprised. As I talk to her now, she told me she never knew I was going through any of that. That surprised me, we where in the same classes, talked 24/7, how did she not notice something was wrong? I guess I'm a good actress.

Kayla was my savior, the next period she reported me. She wasted no time, she loved me so much she had no doubt in her mind what she needed to do. I'm crying as I write this cause Kayla is truly the best friend I have ever had.

At the time I was so mad at her, we didn't talk for months. I couldn't believe my friend would “betray” me. I didn't come to the realization, that what she did was for my good, until recently.

I continued cutting till the middle of 9^th grade. I got into drinking, and smoking.

I week before I was going to do drugs, God showed up.

I went to The Revolve Tour, and was saved by Jesus.

So much more has happened since I have been saved.

I'm not proud of some of it.

But, I know I couldn't have prevented it,

and it wasn't my fault.

But I am proud of the fact that today I'm 7 months clean(:

God saved me. The whole time God was with me. I've been saved by his grace.

So there you have it, that's chapter out of my story. But, I want you to realize something. Mrs.Snader didn't know what I was going through, neither did anyone, except Haley. My point is to think before you speak, you never know what a person has gone through or is going through. Don't make a joke about being raped or molested, if you don't know what they have gone through. They could have been molested or raped. Don't say hurtful words to someone you don't know, because you don't know what happens at home. Don't judge someone by what they wear. You don't know why their wearing bracelets. You don't know why they wear black. You don't know if that night, they where planning on killing themselves. You don't know what they go home to. You don't know if their parents are alcoholics or druggies. You don't if they have a medical condition. You don't know if their going though divorce. You don't know if they're getting bullied. Don't judge someone by the scars on their arms. Don't judge someone by their weight. Don't judge someone by how they act, or why they don't like being touched. You don't know their struggles. You don't know their story.

I hope you get the courage to write a blog about your story, because God didn't put you through those things, not to share it with people.

This post is dedicated to the only true friend I had, Kayla. I love you so much. You're beautiful, sister. Your not fat. You're amazing just the way you are. I love you, and am always here for you. Kayla, don't worry about your parents, its THEIR problem....not yours. Don't get involved. I know I don't know what your going through, but I love you and will be with you know matter what. I mean you where always there for me, I hope I can be half the friend you where to me<3