Dear God

Dear God,

               

I don’t understand. I’m confused. I’m sad that I’m doing you wrong. I’m scared that I will lose you. I don’t want to lose you God; you’re the best thing to happen to me. I know you’re not the one moving away, it’s me. I don’t like that. I don’t like the fact that we are drifting apart. I mean, are we? Like before every second of the day I was thinking about you, praying to you, talking to you, shining your light. But lately I’m not thinking about you as much, praying to you as much, shining your light as much. What am I doing wrong? My heart is so hard, I hate it. God something is off in me and I need you to fix it. Even the little things. I used to get all happy when I saw you doing something in my life, but now it’s like I’m used to it and don’t care as much. Father I feel as though I have been taking advantage of your love and goodness. I see so much of my old self in me now. I don’t understand what I am doing. God help me. I can’t lose you. Please. You are good. All the time. Father is this a test? Am I being tested or am I just really messed up? I want to fix this God but I don’t know how. God please don’t leave me. I can’t lose you. I know it’s all me doing the moving away but I want to find you again, I want to fall in love with you all over again.

*My computer randomly turned off (wasn’t charging), (tried to make the charger work, quit) so I continued talking to Jesus praying. Then He gave me this awesome thought (the first sentence) I look up and my computer is charging* :OOOOOO CRAZYNESS :D

 It is as though I am associating my salvation with the works I am doing. With the thoughts I am thinking. I guess all this stuff I am using it as a measure to how good our relationship is. I feel like I need to stop worrying about all this stuff and start focusing on the why and who behind it. I need to concentrate on you and getting to know your heart better. God I know I can only do this with you, and through you. I honestly do want to do good things for you and shine your light, but I don’t want to lose you through it. And if I am losing you through it I pray that you take that thing away from me. Father thank you for how great and good you are. That even though I sin, a lot, you’re still there to support me and love me. Thanks for never leaving me even when I leave you. God thanks for being my dad, and friend. I love you. Thanks for who you are. There is truly no one else like you dad.

I guess now I ask, how I can further our relationship. What are ways we can grow together? What is something I can do? I mean I talk to you every day, and read my bible every day. But what else can I do?

Listen.

Father every time I pause I always have good intentions but then after I go into the real world, I find myself doing exactly what I don’t want to do. How can I fix that?

God will transform me. Spend time with Him.

Another thing I’m finding is that I am associating the Holy Spirit when I am doing good. Like when I do good I find that the Holy Spirit is in me. So then when I think I am doing good and I don’t have the Holy Spirit (that feeling) I get discouraged.

                The Holy Spirit is more than a feeling. God is more than a feeling.

Thank you. 

"If you have the inspiration to cut, you should have the inspiration to write" Ashley B.