Dear God

Dear God,

               

I don’t understand. I’m confused. I’m sad that I’m doing you wrong. I’m scared that I will lose you. I don’t want to lose you God; you’re the best thing to happen to me. I know you’re not the one moving away, it’s me. I don’t like that. I don’t like the fact that we are drifting apart. I mean, are we? Like before every second of the day I was thinking about you, praying to you, talking to you, shining your light. But lately I’m not thinking about you as much, praying to you as much, shining your light as much. What am I doing wrong? My heart is so hard, I hate it. God something is off in me and I need you to fix it. Even the little things. I used to get all happy when I saw you doing something in my life, but now it’s like I’m used to it and don’t care as much. Father I feel as though I have been taking advantage of your love and goodness. I see so much of my old self in me now. I don’t understand what I am doing. God help me. I can’t lose you. Please. You are good. All the time. Father is this a test? Am I being tested or am I just really messed up? I want to fix this God but I don’t know how. God please don’t leave me. I can’t lose you. I know it’s all me doing the moving away but I want to find you again, I want to fall in love with you all over again.

*My computer randomly turned off (wasn’t charging), (tried to make the charger work, quit) so I continued talking to Jesus praying. Then He gave me this awesome thought (the first sentence) I look up and my computer is charging* :OOOOOO CRAZYNESS :D

 It is as though I am associating my salvation with the works I am doing. With the thoughts I am thinking. I guess all this stuff I am using it as a measure to how good our relationship is. I feel like I need to stop worrying about all this stuff and start focusing on the why and who behind it. I need to concentrate on you and getting to know your heart better. God I know I can only do this with you, and through you. I honestly do want to do good things for you and shine your light, but I don’t want to lose you through it. And if I am losing you through it I pray that you take that thing away from me. Father thank you for how great and good you are. That even though I sin, a lot, you’re still there to support me and love me. Thanks for never leaving me even when I leave you. God thanks for being my dad, and friend. I love you. Thanks for who you are. There is truly no one else like you dad.

I guess now I ask, how I can further our relationship. What are ways we can grow together? What is something I can do? I mean I talk to you every day, and read my bible every day. But what else can I do?

Listen.

Father every time I pause I always have good intentions but then after I go into the real world, I find myself doing exactly what I don’t want to do. How can I fix that?

God will transform me. Spend time with Him.

Another thing I’m finding is that I am associating the Holy Spirit when I am doing good. Like when I do good I find that the Holy Spirit is in me. So then when I think I am doing good and I don’t have the Holy Spirit (that feeling) I get discouraged.

                The Holy Spirit is more than a feeling. God is more than a feeling.

Thank you. 

"If you have the inspiration to cut, you should have the inspiration to write" Ashley B.

Basketball Was My Life

Basketball was my life. It was the thing I was best at, and the thing people knew me by. It’s where I found my worth. My summers consisted of basketball camps every week. Being at the gym the whole day. Reading books on basketball, and watching game film. And then when the season finally came around my schedule got filled up with practices and games. Basketball was my life; it was where all my time was going. Basketball loved me, and I loved it back.

Basketball was the only thing that helped me get my mind off of life; it was the only place where I finally felt relaxed. Every time I got in a fight with my parents, I would just go outside and play basketball for hours straight.

But then I met this guy named Jesus. My whole life changed… a lot. I no longer found my worth in a sport, but in a person. I no longer need basketball to get my mind of things, because I now have a best friend who is an amazing listener.

When it came time for trying out for basketball next season, everything in me wanted to play this sport, but I knew God didn’t want me to. So I didn’t. Immediately my coach and team came up to me and asked why, I told them about church on Wednesday’s. They thought I was crazy, because they knew if I pursed basketball I would for sure get a scholarship. It took a lot to decline playing basketball. This would be the first season I sat out, didn’t start, didn’t have any practices.

Doing this actually made me really sad. I still am madly in love with basketball. I love the feeling of having an amazing game and your team, coaches, and audience congratulating you after it. I missed being on the court, beating my opponent, and then hitting the reverse layup, or fade away. I missed everything, even the lame referees. I told myself that I would play next season no matter what.

Well, now is the time I really start deciding if I am going to play for the varsity team or not. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I mean I would probably only be missing youth group. But still. See I can’t help thinking that if I choose to play next season that I’m choosing basketball over God.

So I decided to talk to my varsity coach this week. He’s an amazing man in Christ. His daughter actually goes to my church, and he goes to my best friend’s church. In my mind I was thinking, well maybe we could work out something. Once we finished talking, it was clear to me what I was supposed to do, he knew and I knew.

“You can’t serve two masters” –Coach Green

He was right, I mean I could probably skip youth Wednesday’s, but it was something bigger. See basketball is like a master, just like any other sport. It’s something that takes up most of your time, most of your thoughts. I couldn’t play basketball, and serve God.

Then I started looking at the bigger picture. If I continued playing basketball what would come from it? Why was playing so important? The colleges I’m looking at couldn’t give me a sports scholarship anyway. Also I want to either be a youth pastor or missionary, and neither of those has to do with basketball. But they do have to do with God. So why would I give up going to church, for something I don’t even want to do?

It’s so crazy to think that I may never be on the court again competitively. Ouch, how that stings in my heart. Today I saw this tweet,

“To do what you love you will sometimes have to give up doing what you like” – @thezoof

I love Jesus. I like basketball. Jesus tells me He has big, awesome, mighty plans for me, bigger than I can imagine! So if giving up this little thing, as hard as it is, helps me further my relationship with Jesus, then I am fine with that.

Basketball was my idol, but not anymore. I know my worth now. Thank God(:

One year down...

May 8^th.

The day of my friend Jacqueline’s birthday…

And…

ONE YEAR of recovery.

Wow. Jacqueline, I’m so proud of you. I know I’ve said this like a million times but this is just so amazing. I look up to you; your strength is something every girl needs. I know that you will have many more of these anniversaries to come. I can’t even put my thoughts together as I write this, gahh. J you’re such an amazing friend to me. If God didn’t put you in my life I don’t know who I would have gone to when I feel that way. I probably would have given into Satan’s temptations a lot more if you weren’t there for me. You’ll never truly understand how big of an influence you have been on me. Every time I have those thoughts I think about you and your strength through everything. And I want to say thank you for after that one day when I slipped. Having you there was the thing I needed. I needed to hear what you told me after. I needed you to vent to. Thank you for being that person to me. Thank you for being such a Godly example and helping me in my faith every time bad things seem to creep into my life. Thank you for being you J. I’m so glad you made it this far, I knew you always would. You are so great and so beautiful. I still pray for you every night, I love you a lot Jacqueline. Thanks for being my big sister(:

Love, Kirstin

p.s HAPPPPY BIRTHDAY :D I tried to convince my rents to take me to NYC…. It didn’t work haha(: