I definitely would say that I have struggled with this word “attention” in my life. Most of it probably stemmed from not feeling enough at home. My parents were always at work, the only time I would see them was late at night, and this really did have a huge affect on me. I guess this issue really got at its height in eight grade (I’ve probably said this story a million times on my blog so if you want to read about it click here). I was so overwhelmed with different emotions yet it felt like no one noticed! I had this deep desire in my heart for someone to notice me and help. I think that’s a big reason why I cut – for attention. I would have NEVER said that if you asked me, because I honestly believed that wasn’t the reason I did it. But God has finally burdened me and told me that attention really was it.
The past few days I have been looking back on my recent weeks and months and have started questioning myself. Am I filling my attention void now by telling people my testimony and starting the HOPE project? Doing these things has brought the same attention to me as cutting did. And if cutting for attention was bad, then isn’t telling people my testimony and gaining attention bad too?
Well I started to believe that. Attention in my past = bad, so Attention for what I am doing now should = bad too, right? I got really low about this thought, particularly about an hour ago. So I started writing and venting to God about my issues. I don’t want to then out of nowhere he hit me with this thought.
It’s not receiving attention that’s bad, it’s what we do with that attention that really matters.
Actually getting attention isn’t a bad thing, Jesus received a ton of it! Yet he didn’t get caught up in “Oh look how many people like me and think I’m cool” because he realized his worth. His worth didn’t come from man or man-made things, they came from God. His relationship with God filled him so he didn’t have that need to become noticed and popular with man. This is what I believe I need to do too. Although I am receiving attention for my HOPE project and testimony, I can’t look at that and think my worth comes from people noticing me, or from people liking me. I have to know that my worth comes from something not man-made, it comes from the God whom I love.
The attention I get from doing good in His name has no comparison to the attention I received while cutting. The attention received while cutting was where I found my worth. But now I can do the things I am now and receive the same attention, but not find my worth in it. That is the difference I have, JESUS – knowing that I don’t have to look for people to notice me or except me because he already does.
“Don’t let what you’re doing identify you, think of it as a gift from God” -Jason
Praise God! Amen.
