Why I want to move to Ethiopia

I feel as though I am blinded - blinded from Gods love, blinded from Gods plan –due to this place I live, America. My heart tells me this is not where I belong. This is not my home. It longs to go to a place where Gods love is truly displayed. Displayed in these poor little children's faces, who have nothing, yet have everything. 

It is not covered by comfort - by beds, electricity, overflow of food, fresh water, $100 shoes, $100,000 cars. No, it is covered by truth. The truth to how great He loves us. It demonstrations the true meaning of faith in God at its fullest. My heart screams at me, telling me that America won’t ever satisfy me. I know I wasn't meant to live in a place that was comfortable. 

God called me to be in Ethiopia. He called me to LIVE among the least of these. He called me to live in a trash dump. He called me to love as He has loved me, and has shown me through parents who have displayed this agape love. 

I don't know why God is telling me the place I’m supposed to be is Ethiopia, or why He is telling me to take a year off after high school. All I know is that Korah, Ethiopia is where I should be. I don't understand how I can have this deep knowledge of that even though I've never been there. But it is as though my heart is split in two and I am not living my life fully committed to God.

He is the reason I'm alive. I praise Him for revealing this to me. Although people doubt me, God is the one pushing me to Ethiopia. If God wants it, it will happen. I can’t wait for that day when my soul is finally fully satisfied when I land in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. This is my calling. I am called to help the least of these.

Saying Bye to a Friend, Sister, and Mentor

Dear Linds,

Hey friend. I got to say this kills methinking about how you're going to be so far away. Its kind of funnycause I've been encouraging you to go to Cali all along haha.Anyways. It will be different for me not having you within drivingdistance. No more times of you picking me up from school, no morecoming up to see me when I'm sad. Linds your an amazing person. I'mso excited for the journey God has placed you on. I know your goingto do great things; I mean you already have in my life. I know Ialways joke around saying I'll find myself a new Lindsay, buthonestly no one will ever be able to measure up to you. No one I haveever met has put this amount of time investing in me. I don't knowwhat you see in me, but I am forever grateful to have you as myfriend.

I know this isn't goodbye forever, butits goodbye for a long time. That makes me sad. But who knows maybeIll go to college at San Diego Christian with you(; Haha, I'mthinking about all the fun times we've had together. The first time Imet you and we had a deep talk about God and Jesus, and I was sonervous to met you I didn't eat and you called me anorexic lol. OrRevolve Tour this year where you helped me accomplish one of mydreams to be on the Revolve stage in front of everyone. And then thepen in your car... opps. HAHA. All the amazing talks we've had onskype. Our longboarding journeys together, and me praying that youdidn't fall and kill yourself going down that hill near your house(:Then when we would play basketball even though you hate it, but didit cause you know I love it. The time I made you planking in targetand strangers yards. Or one of the BEST moments in my LIFE havingdinner with Tiffany Thurston!!!!!! Then recently our journey to Cali.My first time. Our sassy pants together being tired beyond anythingand whining at each other. But having an amazing time at BecomingTour. I am totally going again this year with you! Gosh some of thebest moments in my life(: Thank you for supporting me! I love youfriend.

Then some of the darkest moments in mylife. Tylers death, Nicks parents divorce, Kates death. When I toldyou I no longer believed in God, and you texted me Hebrews 11:1. Orwhen I relapsed and found myself in a depression after finding outabout the divorce and you comforted me and told me that you stillloved me. Then when my friend tried to kill herself and I was at oneof the lowest points, and you called me and talked me out of cutting.And recently when I was tempted to cut again, and you drove 3 hoursto be by my side and make me feel better. Lindsay not many peoplewould do that for someone. I'm so BEYOND blessed to have you in mylife. If everyone involved in youth ministry was like you, a lot morekids would be saved. You've pushed me like no one else has, in a goodway. You have grown me to become stronger in my faith.

No one in this whole universe, besidesGod, knows me better than you do. You literally know all my secrets,and things not even my best friends know. Yet you still love me andaccept me. That's still crazy to me. You SHOW Jesus! Member when weskyped and I told you something that my mom didn't even know becauseI thought “i will never met you anyway” haha I was off a little(:Your heart is so beautiful, WAY more than your appearance. I don'tknow why God put the two of us together. We're the complete oppositein every way, but click so perfectly. No one will ever come close tobeing the mentor you are to me. I'm so excited for the journey youare embarking on! I'm praying for you. Linds your going to be thebest youth pastor in the world!!!!!! Love you more than theworld!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- K.

The Viewing

Seeing her lifeless body was when it hit me. Hard. I mean I knew she was dead but this made it click. She's dead. The thought that I'll never see her smiling, bubbly face again hurts my heart. I looked over her body standing next to my friend Kimmy, both of us just started to cry. I was expecting to see her wake up, and be okay but that never happened. I had to walk away cause I couldn't take looking at her anymore.

The viewing was hard. I mean I thought that I may get teary eyed but I didn't expect to full out ball my eyes out to the point where I couldn't even talk. I saw her grandmother - she was holding back tears trying to be strong. When we talked she told me how much Kate loved our school and the people in it. I told her with tears in my eyes that I was praying for her. Mrs. McAfee reassured me saying that she was without pain, and sorrow. That's when I lost it. At youth group, yesterday, Jason used that verse in his sermon. I couldn't talk anymore because the tears where coming so strong so she just held me. Kate was lucky to have her as a grandmother. Mrs. McAfee asked that I keep praying for her, and I will, everyday.

When I first walked in, I sat down with a group of my friends, all with tears in their eyes. We sat in silence for a while. Then I looked up and saw Miss. Dixon. Again I found myself sobbing. The sight of my teacher killed me because that was where Kate and I became friends, in her classroom. Also was the last time I saw her. The pain I can't explain, but the Holy Spirit definitely was comforting me.

The sight was something I will never forget. Tons of people from our school, everyone just crying, even the guys. Then seeing our guidance councilors and teachers their supporting us. But then seeing her family, broken, in shock, holding back tears, it killed me. I pray they all find rest in Jesus, cause I couldn't imagine going through this without having Him there to support me.

I went up to her body a second time with my friend Alli. She requested we'd go up there and pray for her. So we did. We went up to Kate and bowed our heads and prayed for her friends, family, that she's in a better place. I love having bold christian friends that are willing to stand in front of our school and show our love for our God.

I know Kate's in a better place now. Today really shuck me. But I know she's in heaven. It's hard but it will get better. Please keep praying for her family, and friends <3

The House (Part 2)

Click here for Part 1

Every now and then the man would return, but for no more than a couple hours straight. Coming up to his house, smiling and waving to his neighbors. But they knew what he had done. They weren't fooled by him. There was hatred in all the people's hearts toward him, yet he pretended not to realize this, and went on like everything was okay. He would show up at the house when no one was home just to avoid any fights that could possibly break out. It has been almost a year now since the man had betrayed his family, and he still had no regret.

"God" the youngest son screamed, "why can't you just put my family back to normal?" He prayed this prayer everyday. The youngest daughter seemed to be taking it a little differently. She put on the mask and pretended everything was okay - even though you could still see the pain inside her eyes. The daughter refused to see the man or hang out with him, even though her heart longed to have her daddy back. She couldn't stand the fact that he didn't care enough even to say he was sorry.

Still from the outside, everything seemed normal. The mailbox wasn't overstuffed. The wood stacked perfectly. The lawn was mowed. You see the eldest son of the woman had taken over and became the man of the house. He got a job, and was doing all he could to help out his mother.

But to the unknowing eye you could still see the slight changes. It was the middle of summer, yet their pool was still not open. When the woman got home, instead of going straight into the house, she would quietly sit in her car for an hour crying out to God. This house was still broken, but the hope was not.

On their refrigerator the woman placed bible verses for her children to see.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who've been called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28

There is still hope. But their eye are blinded by the now, if only they could see the bigger picture.

Loss of a Friend

This is the second friend in four months. I never really expected anyone in our class to die, but if someone where to die I never would have thought it would have been Kate. Kate was the type of person that truly enjoyed life. I mean people say that about people, but she did - never took a second for granted. She was always happy, and smiling even when she was in so much pain. She didn't care what others thought, she wore what she liked, did her make-up the way she wanted, talked to everyone. Kate was the lite in Liberty.

I remember back in seventh grade when she was in the hospital and they didn't know if she would make it so our class decided to write her letters to make her feel better. In mine I wrote about the Jonas Brothers because that was her favorite band. This song was one of her favorites, and it happened to be one of mine too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3cZ3WZb7RE

In English class this year I remember always looking at her and thinking how inspiring she was - you literally couldn't take the smile off of her. Kate and I were friends, but not close. Although she was very close with some of my best friends.

Kate was born with a heart condition, that's how she died. With Tyler's death we had time to pray, we had time to think about the possibility of him not surviving. But with Kate's it was literally out of the blue. No one expected it. I think a lot of this had to do with the fact that Kate was always so positive, she didn't want any of us to worry. Tyler's death made me think about heaven and God, and the possibility of maybe there wasn't a God. I had a lot of doubts after it. But with Kate's death there's this peace inside me I can't even begin to explain.

Yesterday, when I found out, I was driving in the car and I looked in the sky and inside this comfort rushed my soul. It was as though Kate was up there telling me she was okay and in a better place. I am really sad about this. I'm confused about my feelings. But I'll stand CONFIDENTLY on God's truths. I believe with all my heart that God is good, and faithful. I know that Kate is in heaven right now. I know it. God took her out of a lot of pain. She is in heaven right now feeling none of it. She is dancing and running and hugging my Jesus. She is having so much fun right now, way more than she could have on earth. God has a reason and a plan.

This death has been really hard on my friends, and her family so I ask that you keep us in your prayers. Although this is hard on us, I know Kate wouldn't want us being sad and doing things we'd regret. She's having the time of her life up there, i know that. Instead of being sad she'd want us to be happy through our pain, just like she did throughout her life.

This is for you Kate, to one of the most happy people I've ever met, R.I.P. 

August 9, 1995 - July 29, 2012

Charity Party + My Baptism!!!

As many of you know I am having a huge charity birthday party this Sunday and I’m super excited about it!!! Sunday is going to be a big day for me because not only is it my birthday party but I am getting baptized!!

These last few weeks leading up to my party have been really tough on me spiritually. I have felt this separation from God, I saw so much of my old self coming back. This really had been getting to me. So I decided maybe I shouldn’t get baptized cause you’re supposed to be with God to do that, right? *spiritual warfare* lol. That was my thinking. But I found that just because I wasn’t doing everything perfect God still loved me, we had a relationship, and He still very much wanted me to get baptized. Satan must know something good is going to happen because he has been trying so hard to mess with me!

We have so much work to do to prepare for my charity birthday party I can’t even being putting my mind around everything. My family and I have been mad men running around our house trying to get everything cleaned, making lists of everything we need done, buying all the decorations and food, finding the music, etc. The Beck’s household has been madness. Haha. But I find that there is a lesson here and something I don’t want to miss through all of this. See I don’t want to get so caught up in the things we have to do to prepare that I miss the reason why I am doing all this. I feel we do this a lot of times in life. Take time everyday to remember why you are doing everything you’re doing!

For me I want my party to not be about me, or the people we are helping, but about God. See He is the reason why I am doing all this. Without God I wouldn’t be here. Without God I have no worth. I want God to shine through my party, through me! I want Jesus to be shown!

During my party I don’t want to get caught up in all my friends that are there, I want to get caught up in the amazing things God is doing! The amazing things He is doing through me. I am humbled that the God of the universe is using me to impact the people in Ethiopia and around the world. Through my party I hope that God and I will come closer to each other.

I don’t care how much money I raise, because I know God will provide all the funds He wants me to have. I don’t care how many people show up. I care about my relationship with God and if I brought glory to His name. That is my goal, that is my desire.

Big Changes for HOPE project - Mission Ethiopia

As most of you know HOPE got started because I had a passion to end world hunger. So instead of Christmas gifts I decided to buy these orange wrist bands, which I would sell and give all the money to charity. In the beginning I gave all the profits to World Vision, but recently we decided to make a change and donate the proceeds to an organization called Mission Ethiopia.

So HOPE will start selling two different bracelets – our original orange HOPE wristbands and home-made bracelets made by the person you will be helping (more info later)

There are a couple of reasons I did this,

Mission Ethiopia is an organization that partners with my local church, LifePoint. With this said HOPE will be able to join forces with my large church and make a bigger impact then just one small girl.

Another reason I did this is because it is more personal then World Vision. With World Vision you don’t exactly know who is getting the money. With Mission Ethiopia we have faces to the people we are helping, and through my church I will actually be able to go to Ethiopia and met the people we helped!

Lastly, this organization doesn’t just offer them their basic needs but gives their family a chance to end the poverty cycle while placing them in a good Christian place. All the people in the program have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so awesome!

It cost $800 for a person to be placed into this program. With that money they provide them with a job, making bracelets, scarfs, etc. and all the supplies needed to do this. Also the $800 provides their salary for the first 6 months.

And an even cooler thing about this organization is that the home-made bracelets you buy, the person that made that bracelet is the person that gets the money, how cool is that?

I am really excited about the new opportunities God is giving HOPE project! Thank you guys for your support!!! Let’s end poverty!!!

Dear God

Dear God,

               

I don’t understand. I’m confused. I’m sad that I’m doing you wrong. I’m scared that I will lose you. I don’t want to lose you God; you’re the best thing to happen to me. I know you’re not the one moving away, it’s me. I don’t like that. I don’t like the fact that we are drifting apart. I mean, are we? Like before every second of the day I was thinking about you, praying to you, talking to you, shining your light. But lately I’m not thinking about you as much, praying to you as much, shining your light as much. What am I doing wrong? My heart is so hard, I hate it. God something is off in me and I need you to fix it. Even the little things. I used to get all happy when I saw you doing something in my life, but now it’s like I’m used to it and don’t care as much. Father I feel as though I have been taking advantage of your love and goodness. I see so much of my old self in me now. I don’t understand what I am doing. God help me. I can’t lose you. Please. You are good. All the time. Father is this a test? Am I being tested or am I just really messed up? I want to fix this God but I don’t know how. God please don’t leave me. I can’t lose you. I know it’s all me doing the moving away but I want to find you again, I want to fall in love with you all over again.

*My computer randomly turned off (wasn’t charging), (tried to make the charger work, quit) so I continued talking to Jesus praying. Then He gave me this awesome thought (the first sentence) I look up and my computer is charging* :OOOOOO CRAZYNESS :D

 It is as though I am associating my salvation with the works I am doing. With the thoughts I am thinking. I guess all this stuff I am using it as a measure to how good our relationship is. I feel like I need to stop worrying about all this stuff and start focusing on the why and who behind it. I need to concentrate on you and getting to know your heart better. God I know I can only do this with you, and through you. I honestly do want to do good things for you and shine your light, but I don’t want to lose you through it. And if I am losing you through it I pray that you take that thing away from me. Father thank you for how great and good you are. That even though I sin, a lot, you’re still there to support me and love me. Thanks for never leaving me even when I leave you. God thanks for being my dad, and friend. I love you. Thanks for who you are. There is truly no one else like you dad.

I guess now I ask, how I can further our relationship. What are ways we can grow together? What is something I can do? I mean I talk to you every day, and read my bible every day. But what else can I do?

Listen.

Father every time I pause I always have good intentions but then after I go into the real world, I find myself doing exactly what I don’t want to do. How can I fix that?

God will transform me. Spend time with Him.

Another thing I’m finding is that I am associating the Holy Spirit when I am doing good. Like when I do good I find that the Holy Spirit is in me. So then when I think I am doing good and I don’t have the Holy Spirit (that feeling) I get discouraged.

                The Holy Spirit is more than a feeling. God is more than a feeling.

Thank you. 

"If you have the inspiration to cut, you should have the inspiration to write" Ashley B.

Basketball Was My Life

Basketball was my life. It was the thing I was best at, and the thing people knew me by. It’s where I found my worth. My summers consisted of basketball camps every week. Being at the gym the whole day. Reading books on basketball, and watching game film. And then when the season finally came around my schedule got filled up with practices and games. Basketball was my life; it was where all my time was going. Basketball loved me, and I loved it back.

Basketball was the only thing that helped me get my mind off of life; it was the only place where I finally felt relaxed. Every time I got in a fight with my parents, I would just go outside and play basketball for hours straight.

But then I met this guy named Jesus. My whole life changed… a lot. I no longer found my worth in a sport, but in a person. I no longer need basketball to get my mind of things, because I now have a best friend who is an amazing listener.

When it came time for trying out for basketball next season, everything in me wanted to play this sport, but I knew God didn’t want me to. So I didn’t. Immediately my coach and team came up to me and asked why, I told them about church on Wednesday’s. They thought I was crazy, because they knew if I pursed basketball I would for sure get a scholarship. It took a lot to decline playing basketball. This would be the first season I sat out, didn’t start, didn’t have any practices.

Doing this actually made me really sad. I still am madly in love with basketball. I love the feeling of having an amazing game and your team, coaches, and audience congratulating you after it. I missed being on the court, beating my opponent, and then hitting the reverse layup, or fade away. I missed everything, even the lame referees. I told myself that I would play next season no matter what.

Well, now is the time I really start deciding if I am going to play for the varsity team or not. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I mean I would probably only be missing youth group. But still. See I can’t help thinking that if I choose to play next season that I’m choosing basketball over God.

So I decided to talk to my varsity coach this week. He’s an amazing man in Christ. His daughter actually goes to my church, and he goes to my best friend’s church. In my mind I was thinking, well maybe we could work out something. Once we finished talking, it was clear to me what I was supposed to do, he knew and I knew.

“You can’t serve two masters” –Coach Green

He was right, I mean I could probably skip youth Wednesday’s, but it was something bigger. See basketball is like a master, just like any other sport. It’s something that takes up most of your time, most of your thoughts. I couldn’t play basketball, and serve God.

Then I started looking at the bigger picture. If I continued playing basketball what would come from it? Why was playing so important? The colleges I’m looking at couldn’t give me a sports scholarship anyway. Also I want to either be a youth pastor or missionary, and neither of those has to do with basketball. But they do have to do with God. So why would I give up going to church, for something I don’t even want to do?

It’s so crazy to think that I may never be on the court again competitively. Ouch, how that stings in my heart. Today I saw this tweet,

“To do what you love you will sometimes have to give up doing what you like” – @thezoof

I love Jesus. I like basketball. Jesus tells me He has big, awesome, mighty plans for me, bigger than I can imagine! So if giving up this little thing, as hard as it is, helps me further my relationship with Jesus, then I am fine with that.

Basketball was my idol, but not anymore. I know my worth now. Thank God(:

One year down...

May 8^th.

The day of my friend Jacqueline’s birthday…

And…

ONE YEAR of recovery.

Wow. Jacqueline, I’m so proud of you. I know I’ve said this like a million times but this is just so amazing. I look up to you; your strength is something every girl needs. I know that you will have many more of these anniversaries to come. I can’t even put my thoughts together as I write this, gahh. J you’re such an amazing friend to me. If God didn’t put you in my life I don’t know who I would have gone to when I feel that way. I probably would have given into Satan’s temptations a lot more if you weren’t there for me. You’ll never truly understand how big of an influence you have been on me. Every time I have those thoughts I think about you and your strength through everything. And I want to say thank you for after that one day when I slipped. Having you there was the thing I needed. I needed to hear what you told me after. I needed you to vent to. Thank you for being that person to me. Thank you for being such a Godly example and helping me in my faith every time bad things seem to creep into my life. Thank you for being you J. I’m so glad you made it this far, I knew you always would. You are so great and so beautiful. I still pray for you every night, I love you a lot Jacqueline. Thanks for being my big sister(:

Love, Kirstin

p.s HAPPPPY BIRTHDAY :D I tried to convince my rents to take me to NYC…. It didn’t work haha(: