My Love Letter To Jesus,

Dear Jesus,
You where with me when i was crying. You felt me when i was hurting. You layed with me when i bleed. You where in the room when i drank. You stood next to me as i smoked. You frowned as i argued with my parents.You cryed with me when i found out she was getting abused. You saw my scars and knew i was urning for love. You spoke to my friend, telling her to report me. You watched me as i yelled at her. You hugged me when i was needing a hug. You guided me to Revolve. You sat next to me in that seat when Britt Nicole sang "When she crys". You held me when Jamie-Grace sang "Hold Me". You had your arm around me when Jenna Bishop told me Isaiah 49:16. "God has your name engrved in his hand". You where with me when she told me to leave the engraving up to you. You rode back in the car that night with me, as i finally had felt loved. You cryed with me that night. You where there when i promised you,never again. You layed next to me in the hospital the next week, as the nurse spoke to me about you. You spoke to me when the sermon the next week was about the love you have for me. You read the bible with me when i was questioning your powers. You ran with me to Hannahs house at midnight, just to ask her a question. You stood there as her dad told us about Job. You watched me that night as i layed scared. You told me not to be scared as the next day the sermon,was on Job(: You then lead me to missions. You helped me when i was hungry during the 30 hour famine. You spoke through me as i explain to the seniors about your neverendin love. You where there on 5/24/11 when it was 5 months since ive cut. YOU WHERE WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME! I finally feel loved! Jesus, thank you! I love you so much, your with me right now as i type this crying. You filled my heart with love, and my mind with light. You are my savior. Thank you for getting me out of the mess i got myself into. I pray that tomorrow i love you more than i do today. Thank you Jesus.

Love, Your daughter(':

Day Job V.S Passion

My day job verse my passion. I read this topic on a blog I stumbled upon. Obviously I don't have a job, unless high school counts(; But it got me thinking. What do I want to do when I grow up? I've heard this question asked to me many times as a kid. I would say things like "I want to be a princess" or "ill be the first girl to be president" all of this probably seemed, to my parents impossible. But to me, no! I could do anything I wanted! I could fly, I could be in the wnba, or run my own trillion dollar company! But, now as I get older I relize the unlikelyhood of these things happening. As many of you adults had relized when I was a kid. But, the thing is "I can do anything through Christ that strengthens me" I used this verse in my last blog too, but it's so true. News flash, I CAN be a PRINCESS or own my own TRILLION DOLLAR company. God tells us we can do anything through him!!! So to you guys reading this, God doesn't want you to be miserable at a job you don't like. He wants us to be happy! Is your day job what you LOVE to do? Or is it just something to pay the bills? Do you wake up dreading to go to work? Or excited to know you love your job. Do what your passionate about! God gave you those talents for a reason! Don't waste the gifts God has given to you. So tonight, I challenge you to talk to God. Ask him what HE wants YOU to do. What YOUR PURPOSE is. If you should quit your job, or go back to college, Anything you can think of! What's the worst thing that could happen?

(Now, if your thinking right now of what if's, what if I don't find another job, what if I don't like my new job? What will my husband think? If you're thinking these things go read my stress blog(:)

Stress

I'm fourteen, so it's kind of weird that I'm talking about this subject. The truth is I'm not a stressed out person at all. In fact I consider myself to be a fairly calm person. But I find the adults in my life to be very stressed out. Much of which is caused by the economy. People wondering, will I ever find a job? will I be able to pay the bills? Will I be able to get my car fixed? Will I be able to provide for my children? Will I be able to finish my work in time? Or this one, I'm not happy with my job, but what if I can't find a new one? Why!! Why do we stress about things we CANT CONTROL! The only person who can control what happens is the one and only G.O.D! I need to finish my work first,or I'll get fired. I don't like my job. I'm not happy with my job. I wish I got paid more. I don't like my boss. All of these are things we think about. You know what this does? It STRESSES us out! Don't let worrying about you job, or your grades, or whatever it is, don't let that stress hold you back from achieving what YOUR purpose is! What God planned for you! If your not happy, do something about it, don't just sit there. Here's something you can do, right when you feel like your at your breaking point. I want you to sit down, clear your mind, then take a deep breath. Then I want you to look around, where ever you are at. Do you see how far you have come? Do you see how blessed you are? Do you see all the obstacles you have overcome? Do you see how much your worth?
Don't let the worries of your day, ruin what you stand for, or who you are! You are a child of God! "You can do all things through him who strengthens me!". If your not happy, then do something that will make YOU HAPPY!

Take off the mask!

The mask. This is the thing us teenagers wear to hid how we're really feeling. We all do it, even adults. This is are shield, are "protection". When someone asks us if where okay well say things like, everythings okay, I'm fine, I'm good. When really where screaming inside "Im not okay!! ". I do this all the time! Maybe it's cause we don't like talking about what's happening. Or maybe it's cause we don't know, or want to express are feelings. That was definitely the problem I had. When I was cutting i used my arm as a way to express the emotions inside me, I couldn't express. What if someone asked me, are you reallllly okay, would I have said yes or would I had told them the problems I was having? I hope I would have told them. Maybe if I had told someone how I was feeling, I wouldn't have had to used my arm as the escape. Another thing I find us teens doing is putting the "smile" on. When were hurting inside we mask it with that smile. Maybe if I smile no one will see I'm hurting. Maybe if I smile ill feel better. Maybe if I hide how I feel those feelings will go away. But the truth is, we need to take off this mask and tell someone how we feel. Lately i've been doing this, believe me YOU WILL FEEL BETTER!

Questioning

My life. My phone, twitter, facebook, homework, friends, family,God, and basketball. Simple enough right. Yet I find myself questioning myself, like why did they txt me back? Do they not like me? She is a better point guard than me. Why did I get a "c" am I not smart enough? She's prettier than me. Am I good enough? Why did I not get to be a starter? Am I that bad at basketball? I'm to fat. Does she think I'm annoying? This is the hardest thing for me to overcome, I've done this today, I do it everyday! I know that God doesn't want us thinking these things but it's sooooooo hard! I'm writing cause I found myself sitting on my couch staring at my phone wondering why she hasn't talked to me since friday. All those thoughts flowed through my head. Yeah, I really don't have a point this post. I just thought I'd share this. (: got any suggestions, comment my loves.

I'm blessed.

I'm so blessed. I have a family that loves me, friends who'd die for me, and a God that is for me. But some people arnt as lucky as me. On Saturday I did a mission trip to Bowie, Maryland. The house we went to was a home to over 11 people, two adults and the rest children. The mission leader told us we were in the "final" stages of this house. But I looked around and thought, "final stages are you kidding this house is falling apart! ". This family went 2 years without electricity or water. The children had to sleep on the floor, near a gas stove for heat. I heard about this on Oprah, but this was the first time seeing it. The house used to be filled with rodents. The yard was filled with glass and weeds, the walls had water damage, the only furniture was a couch, stove, and a mattress. But even in this horrible situation there love for each other shined. Since this trip I have gained a wider perspective of what is really happening in this world. God has opened my eyes, and I will continue to help people like this for the rest of my life.

I found you..

Today was 5 years. That is 5 years since I've scene paster gayle. I woke up today with this weird feeling, telling me I needed to see her. Luckly my cousin goes to her church so we got the address easily. I went to early service at my church, before I headed to late service at her church. I was really excited, she was the person that baptized me, she was the one that started my spiritual journey. I remember sitting in front of the cross with her telling me bible stories, about Noah and Adam. She was my friend. As we drove to her church all of these memorys started rushing back to me. All of a sudden we hear a noise. Then are car started to make a noise. At this point in the drive we were litterally 1 mile away from the church. We pulled to the side, to fix the flat tire. My mom and I have no idea how to change a tire. At this point we were stressing, since the late service had already begun and my dad couldn't get us since he was at a festival. I thought well changing a tire couldn't be that hard. HA! Funny, I couldn't even figure out how to get the jack out of the car. I asked God to help us. Less than a minute later a guy comes over and helps us change the tire. He was amazing (: Finally we arive at this church, the music was playing nice and loud as we walked in. I look up and I see my old friend smiling at me. After her sermon, she announced that she was moving to another church. All the emotions from last time came back from 5 years ago. Of all days I chose to come, this is the day God wanted me to come? Why? Why would he want me here today? She cryed as she told these people she was leaving. I remember her last sermon, I was only 10 but I remember crying and crying. This was so crazy, of all days god?? 5 years and I pick this day! Once the service was over we got to talk to her. We talked about the old memorys, how I was the first baby she baptized, how we've missed her. Then she said the same thing to, "of all days". I didn't understand why God wanted me to see her today till I was driving home. He wanted me there to show her that he was moving her for a reason. He wanted to show her, remember when I moved you to this church? See how I only mean well, he wants you to that church for a reason. You've done all he wants of you there. He used me to show her that it went OK the first time it's gonna go ok again. So I thought Id share this(:

My heaven....

My heaven is on a beach. It has a perfect brezze, not to hot or cold. The wind flows over your skin, like a whisper from the lord. There will be a beautiful sunset,the prettiest you have ever scene, picture perfect. The beauty of the sky never fades away, like God's love. In the ocean, you will see dolphins,fish, and animals you've never scene before. Yet all of them belong. The waves crash on the beach and then die away, with the beat of your heart. In my heaven i have a home. It's my father's house, it stretches so far you get lost in your thoughts. When you walk inside a rush of love flows through your veins. The walls edged with gold, suited for a king, a king that is.. my dad. When you walk inside all you smell is delicious food, never ending. You can eat all you want cause you'll never get fat. In my father's neighborhood there's no drama, no jelousy, no hate, just peace. As I walk down the street towards the beach, there will be children laughing, no crying, no bullying... just laughter. When I reach the sand, the grains will touch my feet giving off the perfect warmth. I look around only to see Jesus on a run, yet there was no sweat on his face, cause in my heaven you will never get tired. I challenge him to 1-1 in basketball. This is my heaven, my home, my safe place.

Britt Nicole Eyes...

I want Britt Nicole eyes. This started as an inside joke. At revolve, Britt was doing a signing while my friend and i waited outside for her (since we didn't have tickets).  Once Britt finished signing all those posters and cd's she walked right by us. She looked right at me smiled and waved. Okay I may have geeked... alot. My friend made fun of me cause she knew how much I love her. But I'll never forget her eyes. If you don't understand what I'm saying look at this verse.

"the eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness how great is that darkness" -Matthew 6:22-23

Britts heart and soul are in the right place. When you look at her you see the happiness inside her. She could be crying, yet you would see the innocents of a baby through her eyes. This is my goal everyday, to get Britt nicole eyes(:

A good Lesson

I was watching "Bethany ever after" I wanted to share something I thought was a good leason. She said "break the chain". How whatever you want to do in your life, do. Don't go out and do what people are telling you to do, or what they want you to do. 'Break the chain' if your family are all doctors but you want to be a singer. "break the chain" if you where abused at home. You don't have to grow up and be the same as your parents and abuse your kids. "Step out even when your heart is telling you to give up"-Britt nicole.

School.

I belive people go to church because they want hope in there life. Last sunday when are paster, Paster Judy asked for peoples joys and concerns this one lady mrs.debby told her that she was starting kemo. on monday. My chuch is small, we only have like 100 people going there so i know everyone. This was sort of a shock to me. Mrs.debby works at the school i go to. I felt really bad cause i knew she was hurting inside, i feel like we the people around me are down i become down to. Anyways so today at school i decided i would make her a card. Partical cause i was bored. (: anywhho. On the front i wrote "hope you get better" and in the inside i wrote:
"So do not fear for i am with you do not be dismayed for i am your god. yes i will strengthen you. yes i will help you and yes i will hold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10

everytime im down i always go back to that verse. This one is sorta special to me to because of the story behind it. 2 years ago(back when i was cutting) i asked my friend if she had a good bible verse. we both didnt go to church. but we did belive in him and had a bible. she told me she would look. Then she txted back with this verse. she said that she opened right to the page and looked down and saw this one. this was one of the many ways god was reaching to me through those years i hate talking about. back to my story

then under that verse i wrote Romans 8:28. This verse i was told by a mear stranger to me, her names Lindsay. Ive been talking to her on twitter but i dont know if she will read this but when she sent me that verse i had the knife in my hand. i would have given up 5 months for nothing. again back to my story.

I then wrote love, kirstin. Once the bell rang i ran to her class to give it to her cause i didnt want to get detention for being late to my next class. As i walked in she was almost crying, you knew something was wrong. she didnt see me till i said hello. She smiled when she saw me, i then gave her the card and left. although i didnt stay to talk to her i knew i helped her in a little way.

Now im gonna talk about something totally different. My friend tyler. Please pray for him. He doesnt know the lord. i try to teach him but he doesnt care. anyway. through out the weeks ive been talking to him since he likes my friend. My friends a hardcore christian. When he asked her out she told him no because he didnt know the lord. Since then tyler has been going back to his old ways. he would txt me things like i dont know if ill make it through the night, id stay up with him and help him. Today he would hardly talk, i was the only person he would talk to. He was telling me that he had bought pot. i dont understand why everytime something is going wrong he goes to drugs. Anyway, he said that he was gonna use it on thursday. I hope he doesnt, Tyler if you read this. I know there is more than your telling me going on at home. Im here if you need to talk and i love you buddy(:

So anyhow how was your day? (all 2 of you who read this)

30 hour famine

Today was 30 hour famine. We first came in and they had are "tents" set up.  They were made of cardboard boxes.  It was to symbolize how the people in Haiti lived. We first did a game where we had to stack these cups on top of each other and the team with the highest stack after 5 mins won.  I had me kayla matt and hot guy tim.  We won by alot haha.  Then we sat down and talked for a while with each other.  Me n kayla just chilled.  I talked to mrs. Stephanie and I asked her why she missed revolve since we went together last year.  She said she was in the hospital and when I asked why she said "she did something dumb" so I said a little prayer.  The next activity wasn't really one.  We got a number on are hand and then we had to find the hidden card with it on it. I was 16 and had a little guy from Haiti that grew up in the higher class places of the city.  On the back it talked about where they where when the earthquake hit.  He was playing on a soccer Field.  After it hit he didn't have any place to go since all the buildings around him collapse and he had no idea where his family was let alone if they were safe. I read my card to my tribe.  Which was assigned from the card.  In my group was katerina, joey, matt, and faith. Once we had another break I talked to katerina. She had a limp.  I don't now how but she started talking about it.  Apparently something happened when she was a baby and she had to have surgery on her knees. So now she can't ever walk normally again.  She seemed down so I reassured her that God does everything for a reason. The break was over and we all sat in a circle and sang bible songs. Everyone was caring about what other would think if they sang but I didn't care and I sang loud n proud. I don't get why we all care so much about what people think.  Later near the second to last song paster rich stopped everyone and told us about all jesus gave for us an how if others are trying hard to worship not to get in there way. He was referring to some girls in the back who were talking the whole time. But that talk set up the rest of 30 hour famine.  We all took what we were learning to heart.  After the last song we all prayed.  Then we had a break. I talked to joey cause I hadn't scene him in so long. I missed him. After that we were told to get are p jas on and calm down as we were gonna do serious things now. We entered this room lit with over 200 candles in the shape of a cross.  There where 6 in the center and one in the middle of those 6. We sat down in silence.  And are youth leader started talking about how every 3 seconds and kid dies from hunger. Then we each had to blow a candle out... every 3 sec.  But we kept the center ones going..after 5 mins of praying to areself.  One of the youth leaders said how last year we saved 6 kids from the famine and the one light in the dead center was jesus and how his love and light never go out.  With the lights out we all sat crying.  I prayed for everyone I could think of all the kids.  Joey who I knew has Tryed to kill himself many times.  Matt and kateriana who are handicap for my friend kayla to help find the lord for the "table girls" to find the lord and step out and lastly faith.  Who i've known from last famine and I knew she's been cutting.... then paster rich started talking.  He just said "the world failed these children" he was right we have all these blessings yet where to selfish to share.  Isn't that are purpose here? He then continued and said " but jesus never did" I couldn't help but cry.  We were all thinking and praying.  I bowed my head and prayed as hard as I could that faith would talk to someone and get help.  I look up and I see her taking off her bracelets.  She was crying I looked around I was the only one that was noticing this.  I know that's the first step. I know she was feeling shame knowing she did this to herself.  I don know what her reason for cutting was but it most have been bad enough to have hate engraved in your arm.  I smiled.  I knew she was feeling gods love in that moment.  I had that moment at revolve. Again after 10 minutes or so paster rich was telling us about his story in africa.  A woman approached him and gave him her baby and said bring her to a hospital. He looked down at this innocent baby of god hardly moving.  He bent down to hear it's breath. He felt its wrist.  There was none.  He gave the baby back to his mother and said sorry your baby has past away. The baby died from ammonia.  As a baby in had ammonia if I was in Africa i know I wouldn't be here right now.  This was an eye opener to me.  We sat silent for awhile again. Then are other youth leader said at this time you may leave as you want and stay if you want and if anyone needed to talk they where hear for us. I told god to tell me when he wanted to leave. I sat praying for faith and all the kids.  One by one someone would leave. Soon it was just me faith kateriana.  Then paster rich left. That was my sign to leave.  My friend followed. Minutes past and kateriana left and faith was left alone. Success in there for another hour.... I knew she told(: after faith came back it was time for bed.  Kayla and I slept on the ground it was around 12:30. I prayed for a while. Last year I couldn't sleep and I left early this time I told myself I wouldn't. I asked God to keep me here as long as he wanted that I may learn more about him. I tossed and turned.  I knew I was the last one up. It was around 2 when I was at my breaking point. I was in pain from not eating in swear I was about to go in that kitchen and steal that food. Then I realized how this is how those kids in Africa are feeling right now but they never knew when they would be able to eat like I could.  That gives me the strength through all my doubts. At 3 I finally feel asleep.  Ishh.  I woke up at 7 although I could have slept till 8. We first got dressed for the mission week were gonna go on.  Then after everyone was set we sat in a circle and had a bible lesson. Paster rich was read Isaiah 40. He was explaining his life and how when he was young he got into drugs and stuff and was being really selfish.  Then he started to pray and got his life together. He went to Africa for over 2 years and is a paster now.  After the lesson we were off to are mission project. When we got there it was this small house on a hill almost straight up with windows and weeds everywhere are project was to clean this. I have to say I wasn't excited.  This was gonna be my first mission project(: the no food thing was getting to me here.  I had a horrible headache and my allergies where getting bad from the pollen. Luckly one of are youth group leaders offered us to go to a nursing home. So half of us stayed and half went. Kayla got the front so I got stuck in the back. The drive was sorta long but it went by quick cause we were rocking out to some music. Before we went in mr. Sam(the guys who's house we were helping)  told us when we went in to smile alot and try to cheer them up. We got greeted by this one lady who didn't speak english. She had a huge smile on her face when we said hello. Later i find out that she was from Portugal and she was thinking she was speaking English but she was talking the language she knew when she was a child. We all decide to split into 3 groups. My team was mrs. Stephanie kayla katerina and i. We had the left side of the hall. We knocked on the first door and walked in. There was two Lady's in there separated by a curtain. Mrs. Stephanie told her how we were from a church and stopping by to say hey. We asked her name.  She said alice.  After a couple mins of small talk she asked us to pray for her kids who were in the floods. I was so excited cause I remember seeing Britt Nicole praying with strangers and I always knew I was gonna do that. This was my first time. We all bowed are heads and prayed with her.  She was the sweetest lady i've ever meet(: she told us to go talk to her friend on the other side.  We gladly accepted. This lady was wearing a neck brace. She asked that we'd pray for her to heal. We then repeated what we did and then said are goodbyes. We saw a lady sitting in the hall we approached her and said hello. She says blank not looking at us. This was so strange i've never experienced people that I was meeting. We left her alone. The next couple rooms were what we called "sleepers" haha. Then we went in a room with again 2 ladys. We greeted them. One had a huge smile on her face.  The other was disabled. The one with the smile pointed at a picture on her wall.  I saw a little girl.  She started crying telling us how they were getting abused. That really hit home as some of my friends I know are getting abused to. We sat and prayed to her. Now we finished the first floor. On the next floor we saw two ladys in the hall. We told them we were from a church.  One said his and rolled away the other stayed and told us about her church and how she was going with her children on sunday. Once we finished talking to her we went toward the cafeteria. By now we all were one large group. One girl from the famine was talking to a man but he couldn't hear so he kept telling her to speak up. Once we were done we went off to bingo. Some were annoyed we were ruining there game but others were happy to see us. One is remember looked right at me so I smiled and waved. She smiled back. I knew I made her day although I never got to speak to her. I walked outside the room and heard a lady crying I walked into her room with mr. Sam. She was trying to get up. He told her no and he went to get a nurse. I was alone. She wasn't speaking English. With her pain in her eyes she looked at me crying. She then started slapping herself. This killed me inside. Then mr. Sam came in and I left. This is where I just broke down and cryed. I don't know why I was crying. But I felt very blessed seeing this. Later i meet another lady who couldn't hear. I shock her hand and smiled. This trip really changed me.  I know now I want to help people in my life. We went back to mr. Sam 's house. I helped with the clean up then we headed back to the church. There we did games with are tribes. We only won the one with madlibs. The food smelt so good. But I didn't really feel hungry anymore. The last thing before we ate was a presentation with paster rich about his trip to africa. I Tryed to get my mom to send me there on a mission to this summer but she was to scared. This was just reminding me what I was missing. One of the last things he said was to remember the toilet. He showed us a picture of this beautiful toilet with around 6 kids playing on the foundation around it. The toilet prob. Cost around 4000$.he was saying how this people didn't need this fancy toilet they need food and places where there kids could play. He said that in order to know what people need you need to be friends with them. I find this so true. But now that this was over it was time to "mongeeeee" (eat). We first did communion Omg that was the best bread i've ever tasted! I'm sure it had nothing to do with my not eating for 30 hours. Then we got in line for the food they had salad ,lasagna ,cake ,meatballs, and spaghetti. I knew if I ate to much I would throw up. I told kayla this but would she listen to me... no! She had 2 full plates I hardly could finish one. She went to the bathroom then a couple of seconds later she txted me I think I'm gonna puke. I'm sorry but I laughed I told her.  My dad finally showed up i huged my new friends and left. And wrote this. I hope I remember this for the rest of my life. Hinch why I wrote this(: oh and i wrote this on my phone and my phone changes my words so bear with me(: