Yordanos

Big Ahope is an orphanage for children 12-16 who have HIV. Not only are these children older, so that lessens there chance of being adopted, but they also have HIV- an almost hopeless situation. After driving down the rock filled bumpy dirt roads, we reached Ahope. I went inside the building, finding a room with six beds and some children inside. Immediately I approached a girl who was doing laundry on her bed. When I tried to talk to her, she would softly respond or just ignore me. Instead of trying to break her walls, selfishly, I wanted to walk away and find another child who was more willing to connect. I turned around a little, like I was about to leave, then she looked up with this look of don't leave. So I didn't. I learned her name was Yordanos, after she repeat herself multiple times, and wrote in on my hand. We awkwardly stood there, well I awkwardly stood there, while she did the laundry. My friends were painting the other girls in the rooms nails, so I asked if she would let me paint hers. She declined. I then asked if I could help her with the laundry. She declined. I asked her if we could play outside. She declined. As she continued starring down, folding the clothes, I asked her if she prayed. With a smile, she told me yes, everyday. Yordanos pulled out her bible to show me. Finally I was breaking down the walls. She then told me I could now paint her nails, but only her toe nails. Slowly I painted them, trying my best not to mess up, trying my best to show her love, trying my best to be her older sister. Calling over Big Sammy, our translator, I asked what her dreams where. Yordanos wants to be a doctor when she's older. Then Yordanos and I got to pray. Yordanos has a younger sister named Kidist. So Kidist and I went outside to play soccer. But when I was out there playing I could sense the Holy Spirit telling me to go back inside and be with Yordanos- so I went inside. Her eyes light up when she saw me coming back. She wanted me to paint her finger nails now. So I repeated the process. I noticed string on her bed and asked her about it. We then made each other bracelets- well I made her one, and she gave me one she had already made. Afterwards, she finally decided to come outside to play. Yordanos, Ethiopians in general, know how to jump rope. She swung her arm in a large circle, while bending her knees and body in perfect harmony. It was so cute. You could tell she was one of the quiet girls in the orphanage. I just wonder how many people over-look her because she's quiet, like I almost did. Yordanos is a little 12 year old trying to be a mom to her younger sister. She has to protect her, make sure she's safe. I can't image the thoughts she experiences daily. I can't image the circumstances she has gone through. She is strong and she has Jesus. I can't help but feel like I made a mistake. That I was trying to hard to make a connection that I ended up hurting her. I can't help but think she was just trying to be nice to me because I was annoying. I can't help but wonder if she had a personal relationship with Jesus or was Ethiopian Orthodox. I think this story is the hardest for me to tell because I feel like I messed up. But it was also an impact moment.  

Orphans

We got to go to a Catholic orphanage twice. I walked in the second time to be greeted by my friend Tiebebu, a 11 year old boy, who I love. Afterward two little girls were begging for my attention. Literally begging. I sat down so I could hold them. One girl was in my lap, while the other was trying to push the other girl off so she could have my attention. I looked into the little girls eyes, who I couldn't hold, she had such pain. There's no other way to explain it other than 100% pain, hurt, worthlessness, unloved, brokenness. She couldn't have been more than 3 years old. Usually three year olds have this innocents, and love inside them. But she didn't. She never had any one ever hold her as a baby, anyone to ever tell her she was loved. Everyone who ever held her, always left. She was used to everyone she would get close to leaving her- I was no different. The girl I held in my lap, wouldn't look me in the eyes for the longest time. She just wanted to be held and hugged- so I did. I wanted to so desperately go to the baby room so I could hold them, but God hinted and told me He placed me in that moment, with this specific girl, for a reason. So I stayed and held her. I started to think the same thoughts I was thinking for the other girl. I wanted to stay there forever and just hold her. I didn't need to speak, I just wanted to hold her and make her feel loved, even if it was only for an hour. Inside me though, I knew I was going to have to leave her, I couldn't stay. How many other people have left her? How could these children who should be innocent already have this depth of hurt and mask in their eyes. I felt horrible. But then I had this thought enter me, although I am going to have to leave her, I am going to have to put her down from my arms, God will never put her down, God will be there forever, He will never leave. He will never leave. I pray that although they have been so hurt in their lives they will experience the relationship found in Jesus, the love, the joy, the worth they have in Him. 

Once they left I went in the baby room. 20 cribs stuffed in a room, with babies laying there, with no one to hold them when they cried. The babies would literally just start crying not for food, or their diaper, because they wanted to be held. They had no one to hold them. That's all they wanted. Innocent, little tiny, babies, who had already been through things I can't imagine. These children have no one. One baby was only a month old, their mom had left them on the street to die- not because she didn't love him, but because she couldn't provide for him. If they could provide they would have kept their babies. Now this kid will grow up feeling worthless because there own mother left them to die. They won't have any parents. They wouldn't have anyone to stand up for them when they are older. They are going to grow up with this ugly view of the world. They will have no one to be their role model, or help them through puberty. No one to give them the sex talk, or teach them how to play sports. Oh, how I have taken all of this for granted. I have two parents. Most children in Ethiopia only have one, or none, never both. 

One girl was playing and a boy kept kicking her. She had no adult to stand up for her. She was alone. She was broken. This world makes people believe the lie they aren't loved. I wish everyone had parents, I wish everyone had food, shelter, a job, a house, a car, but if everyone did, oh how ugly this world would be. The orphans are without hope, joy, and love. I pray they will get this back. Give them parents Jesus. Help them through the pain of seeing everyone else except them getting adopted. Help them see their worth and love. Bring them to you Jesus. Show them You. Jesus you are the answer.  

Ethiopia 2013 Thank You!

First off, I'd like to say thank you for supporting my dad and I on our missions trip to Ethiopia- prayerfully, financially, or both. In Ethiopia I learned a lot about the depth of Gods character and the complete joy found in Him. Almost every day we were loving on the people in Korah- the outcasts of the outcasts. Their roads are dirt covering over the trash underneath. Driving down the bumpy road you see small children digging in the trash, leapers walking with their heads down low, young moms begging for food. We got to hang out at the Mission Ethiopia site in the heart of Korah. Our team was invited to sit in on their devotional. I walked in and saw women of all ages- teens to 70- on their knees bowing on the concrete floor, crying out to their Maker, praising Him with such over-flowing joy. When they started worshiping him in song, one lady was so desperate for Jesus, she literally feel over. Every person there praised Jesus with such abandoned, heart-throbbing, need for His presence. In that moment God whispered to me, “When's the last time you worshiped like that?”. I don't know if I ever have, but it made me desire to know Him like they do- they are so happy. These people have nothing, yet they have everything. I've never met people with such joy. They flipped my perspective on possessions. In America we are told having a family, a job, a car, a house, food, clothes, are important when in fact, I've found all of these things are worthless when compared to the infinite knowledge of knowing Christ Jesus, my Savor. Everything is empty compared to Jesus. He fulfills that thought in your heart of “there has to be something more to this life”. Jesus is the answer. This was the main thing God taught me while in Ethiopia. My heart is still in Ethiopia, I miss the people so much. Thank you for making this journey possible. I am grateful you helped me to accomplish my dream. 

Love, Kirstin Beck

Blurry

While in Ethiopia I got to meet some of the happiest people I have ever met before. They had nothing materially but were completely full of joy and life. I learned that Jesus truly is everything a person needs to survive. I learned about the depth of His character and the joy found in Him. Once back from Ethiopia, I was submerged back in Americas materialistic culture. My view of Jesus was so clear in Ethiopia, I “got it”. But now that I am back in America my view of Him is blurred again. I know He is the same, I just can't see Him as clear. I hate this. I hate being morphed by our culture. I just want to see Jesus again like I did in Ethiopia. I think that's another reason why I want to move their so bad. The Devil is trying to tell me I can't experience God like I did in Ethiopia while in America. I know that's a lie, but its almost true. How can I see God when there are idols and stuff in the way? How can I live with the same dependence when I am comfortable? There is nothing in my life where I truly need to rely on Him. Inside me I am trying to find where, what, how. I just want to experience God like I did in Ethiopia. I don't want to be conformed by this World. This seems like a helpless situation. Jesus, you are the only one that can show me the Way, the Way out, the Way to life, the Way to joy, the Way to Truth. Nothing is impossible through You who gives me strength. Break the chains around me. Reveal the idols. Point me towards you. Teach me to how to depend on you in America- show me what that means. How can I grow when I am so comfortable? I want pain to happen so I can dig deeper in Your heart. I want to do something. I just don't know what to do. I want my life to matter. What should I do Jesus? Show me. Help me fight the Devil. I need You. Help me be h a p p y. Help me find j o y. Help me have l I f e. Revive these dead bones, with a fresh breath of your spirit. You are good, all the time, all the time, all the time.  

What now?

Ethiopia is now a moment in the past, the future awaits me. It's now my senior year of high-school, so college is on my mind, right? Not exactly. All I know is that before I left for Ethiopia I had this thought in my heart that I would move there. In Addis, I sat on the balcony for the last couple hours before leaving. I kept thinking, whens the next time I am going to be back. In the airport leaving, I was crying, not because I missed my family, but because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving this country. I wanted to stay so bad. But still in my heart I had this knowledge that I would be back, that leaving was only temporary. I am back in America and I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't angry. I am mad. I don't want to be here. But I trust God. He has me in America for this season of my life for a reason, so I will follow Him. A day after being back I was on my back porch, peering out in the distance. I looked at the woods I grew up playing in, where so many memories had been made. I looked at my basketball court and the hours I spent practicing on it- hoping to get in the WNBA. But inside me, for the first time ever, I felt like this wasn't my home. That America, the place I have lived for 16 years of my life wasn't my home. I am so confused by these emotions. How could I be feeling this way about Ethiopia if I have only been there for 7 days? I don't understand. Now I am left waiting. Patiently waiting on the God of the Universe to open a door for me to return to Ethiopia. What if all these thoughts and feelings are a lie? What if I am supposed to go to college right after high school? Worst of all, what if God isn't calling me to Ethiopia? So many emotions. So many doubts. So many fears. But I have one constant. No matter what happens, Ethiopia, college, whatever, Jesus is with me. God has a huge plan for my life, whether or not Ethiopia is involved. Jesus loves me so much. I still have my best friend fighting for me. He loves me and wants my dreams to come true. Even if Jesus breaks my heart and I am not moving to Ethiopia, I will praise Him. I will worship Him. I will follow Him. I will scream from the mountain tops that He is Lord. Jesus is everything. He is all I need to fill me up, to be whole. I don't need Ethiopia, I need Jesus and I already have Him. So no matter what happens in the next week, I will praise Him and love Him the best I can.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Where ever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

That my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of my Savor