My. God. Is. Healer.

Wow. All I can say is, My. God. Is. Healer.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Every day, every night for the last 5 days I have been living in FEAR. 24/7. It's the scariest feeling in the world. I couldn't control it. The anxiety weren't like before. Uncontrollable, in the sense they wouldn't stop with what ever I tried doing. But, God had a plan for me. He didn't harm me, and he did GIVE ME HOPE and a future.

In my blog yesterday I explained to you about my psychologist. I preached to him. I knew i was supposed to speech to him about Jesus.

....and last night......

I.WAS.HEALED.

The fear is lifted! Gone! Vanished!

I did NOTHING!

I didn't have anxiety last night!!!! EVERY NIGHT AND DAY I HAD PROBLEMS, and the day I lived for Jesus and not myself, the fears where lifted.

I beilieve the whole time, God wanted me to go see Dr.Burns and preach to him. I think that was God's reason for the fear. He had plans for me bigger than i could see, or think about(:

Oh yeah, and remember how I've been talking about my foot? Healed. It's been bugging me for days, and the doctors still don't know what was wrong with it. AlI know, I woke up and the pain was gone. Disappeared!

Praise Jesus.

Thank you for your prayers(:

Student becomes Teacher

In the past years, whenever I got anxiety attacks I would go talk to Dr. Burns -a psychologist.

If you haven't had a panic attack before I'll try to explain the feeling to you...

You can't stop moving. Your whole body won't stop shaking, no matter how hard you try to stop it. The feeling of fear takes over your whole body. Like a wave of darkness, is taking over you soul. There is no escape. You feel as though it will never stop. Your heart starts to pump- it pumps faster and you start fearing that you're having a heart attack. There is no escape. You feel like you're dieing- and as far as you know, you are dieing.

My anxiety has come back in the last week. Every night I have had an attack. But, it was different this time. Before I knew what was causing them, the triggers. But, this time, I had no triggers. It was as though it was happening and I couldn't control it. Like, God was wanting me to have them.

Come to find out, He did want me having them, because he knew what I was going to do- talk to Dr. Burns.

As I drove to his office, I knew in my mind that I was supposed to talk to him about Jesus. Do you know that feeling? I asked God to use me, and speak through me, to help him find Jesus. I know I can't change him, the only person that can change him is God!

He's a psychologist, so obviously he was asking me questions, trying to get me to think. But, I had already though about them, so answering them was easy. I'm not sure how I started the conversion but we started talking about Jesus. Last time I went, we talked about Jesus, and I found out he was a non-believer.

I started telling him the story about my grandmother. My grandmother was at work and feel off a ladder, broke her leg, then past out. She then appeared in what she explained as a “heavenly place”. She keep telling me how words can't describe it, but she did tell me “I felt 100% loved, 100% peace, 100% joy”. I told him this story, and noticed he didn’t believe a word I was saying. So I decided to tell him what God later did in my grandmother's life.

She got diagnosed with a terminal disease, she had a couple months to live. Unlike some people, she never asked God to heal her. You know why? She wanted to go back to that place she was at, heaven! But, I prayed, my family prayed. The next 3 days, my grandmother was completely healed!!!! The doctors had no explanation! When I told Dr. Burns this, I knew I got his attention.

I talked more on this subject. But, then I told him about the book “Heaven is for Real”. After I told Dr. Burns about the book, he looked at me and said last week he picked up that book, and it's been stuck in his head all week! He was amazed. Then I told him how I asked God, if my purpose for these anxiety was to talk to Dr. Burns, than there would be an opening today. Then he told me that he never has an opening.

Our talk turned into me asking him questions, instead of he asking me questions. I was teaching him, when he was supposed to be teaching me. Lol(:

I know this was one reason for my anxiety. There is always a purpose in everything! Dr. Burns wants me to e-mail him in a week, to see how I'm feeling. But, secretly I know why -he wants to know if God healed me. And you know what, I honestly believe he will get rid of my anxieties when he is done with my purposes to have them. That's reassuring, cause there is an end!

Fearing

In the past, my first response to anything, was to run. I'd run away from my troubles- hid in my own little world, and wish everything in the world would go away. The “What Ifs” started to take over my life. What if she killed herself? What if I have an anxiety attack? What if I cut again? What if, What if, What if. The What if's where causing fear!

I'm so scared of fear itself, it's been causing me anxiety, lately. I'd get scared of having anxiety, which in turn, caused the anxiety, which than turned into an anxiety attack, which got me scared of when I would have my next attack. It was like a death cycle. Lately, I've been back in this cycle. It's been killing me.

In the bible it says:

“God has not given us the spirit of fear. But he has given us a spirit of power and love and self-control.”

2 Timothy 1:7

I know God isn't giving me my anxiety attacks, he didn't give me the spirit of fear! But, in this verse he gives me an answer to my problems. He say's, “he has given us a spirit of power and love and self-control.” That's the answer to our fears. Power. Love. Self-control. I've been working on self-control- I'm amazed at how much you CAN control in your body! You'll be surprised, and God gave us that gift! Another way God has given me a way to control my anxiety's and fears- is through prayer.

“Do not be anxious about anything. Instead in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and minds in Jesus Christ.”

Philippians 4:6-7

Face your fears. God is stronger than anyone or anything or any situation you're in!

My Story

Everything in life has a meaning, everything we go through has a purpose. God doesn't make us go through things if he didn't have it in His plan for us. God doesn't like seeing us suffer, but I think the suffering is necessary. With out the suffering in my life, I wouldn't have been able to help my friend who was cutting, I wouldn't have been able to comfort my friend who was going to kill herself, I wouldn't have been able to preach to the lost. I truly think if I didn't go through this stuff I wouldn't have found Jesus in the first place.

During the 2 year low period in my life -a lot of things happened. A lot of things that I've been carrying around, a burden deep inside me. Recently I've been looking back on those years- it been surprising, I've forgotten so much about those years. I think it was due to the amount of pain I was feeling, I couldn't live with remembering it- let alone sharing it with people! To this day, I don't think I've told one person my whole story, which is kind of sad. Today I'm going to share some of it with you guys, in hope you get the strength to tell yours and realize you never know what people are going through.

“Share your testimony” Luke 6:14

If you where my friend all through middle school, you would have never spotted a difference in me in 8^th grade compared to 6^th grade. I was the happiest kid around right? I was always the one making everyone laugh. There couldn't be anything wrong with her, she seems so happy! But, inside of me there was a big difference, a big pain I was facing day to day -and day to day that pain grew bigger, until there came a point where I couldn't face it anymore.

My best friend, Kayla, has been my friend since 6^th grade. There where no two people in our school who where closer than Kayla and I. We where in the same classes almost every year! We where there for each other through thick and thin. But, if you know me, you know I don't share how I'm feeling. I keep everything to myself. Sometimes that comes and bites me in the butt.

My friend, Haley, started hinting to me she was going to kill herself. When I asked, she begged me not to tell anyone. My life started revolving around her. A week later she told me that her parents where abusing her. But, the guilt of being the only person knowing was really getting to me. She said if I told, then she would have to kill herself cause if she didn't here parents would. All of this stuff, and teacher problems at school, on top of my problems at home -it started weighing on me. I heard about cutting through a friend at my youth group- come to find out later EVERYONE was cutting in our small youth group. Then one night, after a fight with my parents, I cut. I'll never be able to take that back, I'll never be able to get rid of the scars. Once you start it's like an other addiction, you feel like you NEED to cut. Then it gets harder and harder to quit.

The next Sunday when I saw Haley, I notice she was wearing long sleeves, like me. When I asked, she showed me her cut... we cut on the same day. The next weeks at school where really hard. No one noticed a difference, I put on my fake smile like it was an accessory. Laughter was my mask. My English teacher Mrs.Snader didn't help either. She did everything in her power to make me feel like poop. Every day I remember leaving her class always feeling like I'm not important. One time she took Kayla and I out of class and started screaming at us, she left the door open also, so everyone could hear. Then she told us to stay after class -where she proceed to tell my best friend to stop being my friend because I wasn't a good influence on her. I wonder sometimes if she knew Kayla was the only one holding me together, if she still would have said that.

One day during social studies I decided I was going to tell Kayla about my cutting. At this point, I needed someone to talk to, someone who was going to help me. When I told her, she seemed so surprised. As I talk to her now, she told me she never knew I was going through any of that. That surprised me, we where in the same classes, talked 24/7, how did she not notice something was wrong? I guess I'm a good actress.

Kayla was my savior, the next period she reported me. She wasted no time, she loved me so much she had no doubt in her mind what she needed to do. I'm crying as I write this cause Kayla is truly the best friend I have ever had.

At the time I was so mad at her, we didn't talk for months. I couldn't believe my friend would “betray” me. I didn't come to the realization, that what she did was for my good, until recently.

I continued cutting till the middle of 9^th grade. I got into drinking, and smoking.

I week before I was going to do drugs, God showed up.

I went to The Revolve Tour, and was saved by Jesus.

So much more has happened since I have been saved.

I'm not proud of some of it.

But, I know I couldn't have prevented it,

and it wasn't my fault.

But I am proud of the fact that today I'm 7 months clean(:

God saved me. The whole time God was with me. I've been saved by his grace.

So there you have it, that's chapter out of my story. But, I want you to realize something. Mrs.Snader didn't know what I was going through, neither did anyone, except Haley. My point is to think before you speak, you never know what a person has gone through or is going through. Don't make a joke about being raped or molested, if you don't know what they have gone through. They could have been molested or raped. Don't say hurtful words to someone you don't know, because you don't know what happens at home. Don't judge someone by what they wear. You don't know why their wearing bracelets. You don't know why they wear black. You don't know if that night, they where planning on killing themselves. You don't know what they go home to. You don't know if their parents are alcoholics or druggies. You don't if they have a medical condition. You don't know if their going though divorce. You don't know if they're getting bullied. Don't judge someone by the scars on their arms. Don't judge someone by their weight. Don't judge someone by how they act, or why they don't like being touched. You don't know their struggles. You don't know their story.

I hope you get the courage to write a blog about your story, because God didn't put you through those things, not to share it with people.

This post is dedicated to the only true friend I had, Kayla. I love you so much. You're beautiful, sister. Your not fat. You're amazing just the way you are. I love you, and am always here for you. Kayla, don't worry about your parents, its THEIR problem....not yours. Don't get involved. I know I don't know what your going through, but I love you and will be with you know matter what. I mean you where always there for me, I hope I can be half the friend you where to me<3

Guest Post: Lindsay Closson

Today I'm honored to share the post of a fellow blogger- Lindsay Closson. Lindsay is an amazing person! She's not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside too! I'm blessed to have such a good friend like her in my life. I want to thank her for writing this blog for me. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

I found myself really fighting the urge to be hurtful towards someone last night. I was so upset with this person and really just felt like being brutally honest would be the only way to get through to them. But in being brutally honest, I knew I would also really hurt them.

I starting asking myself -Is being hurtful ever productive? Was Jesus ever hurtful to anyone to get his message across? Is there another way I can talk sense into this person? How do I speak truth in love? 

So, I went to Ephesians 4 for this one...

1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

 ⁷ But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. ⁸ This is why it says:

   “When he ascended on high, 
   he took many captives 
   and gave gifts to his people.”

 ⁹ (What does “he ascended” mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions? ¹⁰ He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.) ¹¹ So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, ¹² to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³ until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

 ¹⁴ Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. ¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

         17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.

 ²⁰ That, however, is not the way of life you learned ²¹ when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. ²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

 ²⁵ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold. ²⁸ Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

 ²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³²Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

So, when we see someone we know and love making poor decisions, or changing to "fit in" with another crowd", or being hurtful (maybe without event knowing it) there are a few things we can do to speak "truth in love..."

1. Be humble, gentle and patient.  (vs. 2) Getting upset and yelling or saying mean things really will only hurt your friendship or relationship.

2.  Speak only truth. (vs. 25) Sometimes it is easy to talk about things or people that we have heard from someone else, things that may not necessarily be true.  Be sure what you are repeating is the truth, because if it's not - it doesn't matter " who said it first."

3. Be kind, compassionate and forgive each other. (vs. 32) Sometimes forgiveness is the hardest part.  Especially when you have to learn to forgive that person over and over and over and over..

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seventimes. Matthew 18:21-22

For me, I decided to just not say anything to this person, yet.  I need to take some time to pray and organize my thoughts so that when I do speak them, my heart will be prepared for the conversation.  In my anger I do not want to sin, but I want to be an example of how Christ loves me.  I encourage you to do the same.

Cyberbulling and Suicide

Word's hurt. If you can't say it to their face- Why does it make it right to type it? Typing it may make it seem less real to the writer but to the person receiving it, they're hurtful and insulting.

I just finished watching Cyberbulling on ABC, it was an amazing movie! I strongly urge you to watch it.

I'm writing this not just to bring awareness to this topic, but to share my stories. I've been bullied. My friends have been bullied. Everyone has been bullied.

Hear is some of my stories, of seeing people bully one another.

Look at her. Now look at her again! She is the person in my school, who get's bullied the most. Her name is Bridget. You know what I see when I look at this picture? I see someone lost, sad, miserable. She is different. She stands out. But, why does that give us a reason to bully her?

I couldnt go a day of school without hearing her name, and with her name said- bad words followed. People call her gay, weird, ugly, fat, smelly, gross and more. If you hear the name “Bridget Doyle” people would cringe at hearing the name. I don't know how this rumor started about her, but people started calling her gay. Saying she was dating this other girl in our grade. The other girl in our grade was her only friend. She than started telling people that she was gay. But, I turn to find out, that she isnt gay she just started saying she was so people would stop bugging her. You know how wrong that is? She believes so little of herself that she started believe the rumors going around.

I wish I had the guts to stick up for her, but I never did. But, you know what she gives me hope. I have never scene a person with so much courage. She never missed a day of school, being scared of the bullies. She always faced them.

But one thing that bugs me SO much, is the teachers. The teachers SEE her getting bullied and do nothing about it! Sometimes they allow it to happen because they also though she was “weird”, just cause she wore things most people wouldnt wear. Teachers its your JOB to report this, I hope you get fired. How can you tell us we need to report bullys if you cant yourself?

The next story I'm going to talk about is my story.

In 7th grade I started getting bullied online. It was actually over the playstation. I was playing a game and meet this guy named Darious. I became “in love” with him. But, all of a sudden he started calling me nasty names. Him and his friends started ganging up on me. I couldnt get of my playstation, I couldnt stop reading the things he was messaging me. So hurtful. I started to believe him. I was a slut, I was a dirty bitch, I was a whore. I never meet this guy, and he was making me believe things about myself that werent true. He would tell me he loves me one second then tell me I was a whore the next. Some where in between there, he got my #. Darious lives in my state. I remember him asking for a picture of me, when I sent it he would tell me I was beautiful. Then the next day say how ugly I was. My mom ended up finding out. I don't remember how it ended. But, I do remember one night. It was a dream I had. Darious found me. He started chasing me through my neighborhood with a gun. He was trying to kill me. That dream still scares me. I know it shouldn't. I remember so many sleepless night, crying. Feeling like know one cared, and the whole time I kept it all to myself.

The last story I'm gonna talk about is a boy named Eric. I never knew him, but here is his story.

Eric Mohat, 17, was harassed so mercilessly in high school that when one bully said publicly in class, "Why don't you go home and shoot yourself, no one will miss you," he did.
Now his parents, William and Janis Mohat of Mentor, Ohio, have filed a lawsuit in federal court, saying that their son endured name-calling, teasing, constant pushing and shoving and hitting in front of school officials who should have protected him.
The lawsuit -- filed March 27, alleges that the quiet but likable boy, who was involved in theater and music, was called "gay," "fag," "queer" and "homo" and often in front of his teachers. Most of the harassment took place in math class and the teacher -- an athletic coach -- was accused of failing to protect the boy.
The reality is bullying is KILLING people.
Innocent people.
Suicide is 3rd leading cause of death in 13-24 year old Americans...

To many of MY FRIENDS have tried to KILL themselves.
Savannah
Haley
Jacob
Joey
Grace
Kyle
Terry
Tyler
These PEOPLE are some of my BEST friends!!!!
If you're considering suicide, PLEASE realize there is someone who WILL miss you. If any of them would have been successful with their attempts I dont know what I would do. Please oh Please report people when you see things happening. You can save a life.

I love you, Dad.

My favorite thing about my dad, is his heart. He has the biggest heart in the world. He would do anything for me, or my family. He is the best guy I know! He's always looking to help others, before himself. I hope I have his heart when I grow up. He deserves the world!

Whoever I marry, they have to be a gentlemen like my father. He always holds the door, and tells me I'm beautiful. They have to be as nice as my dad too. He is always looking for ways to help me. He is an amazing guy.

What ever I ask for, he always does his best to get it for me. If it means he has to get off work early- he would. He loves me so much.

Sometimes I don't think he realizes how much I appreciate it.

Dad I really do. Even when it doesn't seem like I do.

I do realize how much you work, to provide for are family. You're doing an amazing job too. I know everyone in the family see's how important you are. Without you, we would be nothing.

I love you, Dad.

When God answers Prayers

“Ask and it will be given to you” Matthew 7:7

Every prayer we think, or speak God answers! Right after He hears are thought He answers- Yes, No, or wait. He only answers yes, when it's according to His plan. He only answers no, if it's not according to his plan. And He only answers wait, if you're not ready! Every decision God makes is always the best decision that could have been made!

God answers in different ways though. Sometime you get a feeling in the pitt of your stomach. Or maybe someone does something, and it was just the thing you needed to hear. God also answers by talking to you. That has definitely been the hardest for me to understand. Sometimes I just can't hear him clearly.

Recently I have been praying for a friend. Everytime I asked, God would always answer “wait”. Now I'm like every human being and I just wanted to scream “Why can't you do it now!”. Waiting can be hard, what can I say?(:

Yesterday He answered the prayer. My friend has been having a really hard time at work. Can you tell by my blog posts? Haha! I would just ask God to simply talk through me, so she could hear the best answer for the situation she was in. In the back of my mind I would always think “How could God want her to be at this job, if she isn't happy?” So I took MY thought as the answer to the problem- thinking she could quit. But, in reality I didn't know what GOD wanted. Although I did pray asking he would let us see what he wanted her to do.

But, yesterday she had lunch with the “Big” boss of her company. The thing is he was only there for 2 days. There was no way this “big” boss would have time for her, right? She was in the lobby of a hotel and he come's up to her and asks her to lunch! Right there, that's just crazy. This big ol' chain boss wants to have lunch with a little ol' sales person? At the lunch he spoke to her, he spoke of every insecurity she had about her job- even though he had no idea she was even facing problems with her job.

Don't take that as coincidence, that was GOD! How would this big boss have time for a salesperson? How would would this stranger talk about her struggles- worry for worry- without that being GOD?

He answered our prayers there.
Now we know God's wants.
Hes' answer.
Hes' answer is to STAY, not quit.

The answer to stay shouldn't be something we second guess. No, that's the answer. That's the best decision you can make. Because our God is the best decision maker I know!

Listen to him always. Pray often. He always listens. He always answers.

“Be still and know I am God” Psalms 46:10

Happiness

I wrote this blog a thousand times. I still don't like it. I wrote this version weeks ago, I don't know why I've waited so long to post it. But, here it is!

Do you have a choose to be happy? Well, that's a tricky question- but, I think we DO. Let me explain. We CAN'T control what happens in our life. But, we CAN control how we deal with it. You can choose to look at a situation differently- trying to learn from it. God tells us he NEVER gives us more than we can handle. That's reassuring cause God is the only one who knows how far we can be pushed. He knows what too far is. So, with that said you can choose to be happy.


My friend asked me this question a month ago,


“How can I be happy, when every time I go home I get abused and raped?”


My friend has had a lot of other things happen to her in her life. She's attempted suicide to many times to count, she cuts regularly, drinks on weekends, and smokes maryJ. You know why she does all this? Cause she feels like LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING. She feels like God turned her back on her. She feels abandoned. She feels UNLOVED! I wish I could have told her, that God never turned his back. But, at the time I didn't know a lot about God than.


But, even in all of this madness- she has a choose to be happy. Although many things in her life have gone wrong- she doesn't need to be miserable. She can look at the situation and say okay- she will move out of the house at 18. She can report her brother and parents, and get help. She can go to therapy and get help for the cutting, drinking, and drugs. But, when I offered to do this for her, she declined.


I think she likes being miserable- she knows no other life. She doesn't want anything to change- because she's scared. She's scared of something outside of what she doesn't know. She doesn't no what "being happy" is. She doesn't know what LOVE is. She doesn't know Jesus. But, in the end she DOES have a choose to be happy.


The last friend I'm going to tell you about, was the friend that gave me the idea to cut.


At the time, she had been molested, her mom was going through cancer...again. We meet at youth group, she gave me the idea when she started talking about her burning herself. Soon everyone in our small group was doing it. Long story short my friend, Hannah told her mom, and me and her got reported. She stopped after that.


Now 2 years later, she quit drinking, quit drugs, quit cutting. Her mom now has brain cancer, and they don't think she'll make it. But, I'm proud of her because she's stayed strong and hasn’t cut through this. She is choosing to be happy. She choose not to let the things in her life define her- and make her unhappy. You also have a choose to be HAPPY!


Maybe yours are less sever- maybe your jobs making you unhappy, or your weight, or whatever. You can change what you're doing to make you happy. Go out and look for a new job. Try to start eating right and exercising. God doesn’t want us to be miserable. God doesn’t want us to live in our sin. God wants us to be happy- because he LOVES us.


“God so LOVED the world he gave his only begotten son that whoever believith in him shall not parish but have eternal life” (John 3:16)

“But because of his great LOVE for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved” (Ephesians 2:4-5).

I hate my job

This blog post is going to be a little bit different, then the others'. I don't even know if you would consider it a blog post- haha! What I am going to do, is write it in 2nd person- as if I'm someone else. Then I'm going to finish in 1st person. I'm doing this to hopefully get my point across better, instead of me just ranting about the topic.


I'm lost. I'm miserable. I'm torn. On one hand I have a good job. It pays good. I stay at home- which is really convenient! Another thing I like is that, my husband works for the same company as me, which I love! It gives us something to talk about. If I'm not happy with someone, I can talk to him about it. I love him so much. But, would he be angry if I told him I don't like my job- that I want to quit?

But, I'm torn. I HATE my job. It make's me stressed about silly little things. I'm constantly checking my phone for emails- even when I'm not working. And when I'm not working or checking my emails, I'm worrying about the tasks I have to finish by the end of the week. So stressful. The worst part is- I work in sales. So if I don't meet the goal for the month I get in trouble. I just hate disappointing people. I feel like if I don't meet the criteria, then I'm not good enough for the job. I feel like when I don't meet the sales, my co-workers look down on me. I don't like disappointing them. I find, when I feel like I have disappointed someone- I feel like I have disappointed myself- let myself down. Should I feel that way? Maybe I should just quit so someone else can have it- and do a better job. People would die for the job I have, so why do I feel this way?

I don’t know if I should stay though. I'm not happy. I want to be happy, but is there really a job out there that will make me happy? I don't think so. What if I can't find another job? The economy is bad- I should just be grateful for the one I have- right? Is this really what God's “plans” for me are? This job, right now?


This is how many adults are feeling now- especially in this economy! I'm here to try to answer some of these questions, asked in the above situation. I'll try to go step by step(:

1. On one hand I have a good job. It pays good.

What do you mean by “good job”, cause if your definition of “good job” is money- than it is a “good job” . But if your definition of “good job” is something you love doing, and wake up looking forward to the day- than that isn't a good job(if you're not enjoying it).

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.” Colossians 3:23-25


2. Would he be angry if I told him I don't like my job- that I want to quit?

If your husband loves you, he would support you through the process. Easy as that. Nothing to worry about.

3. I feel like when I don't meet the sales, my co-workers look down on me. I don't like disappointing them. I find, when I feel like I have disappointed someone- I feel like I have disappointed myself.

You shouldn't be feeling disappointed about letting others down. Because at the end of the day what they think doesn't matter. What matter's is what you think about yourself. Don't put expectations on yourself and on people- that only leads to disappointment!

“The ONLY person that will ALWAYS be there for you is YOU"


4. People would die for the job I have, so why do I feel this way?

You feel that way, cause you're not happy...

5. I want to be happy, but is there really a job out there that will make me happy?

Of course there is! Make a list of all the things you're good at, and see what job could incorporate all the things you like doing. God made a job for you- that he wants you to do. Now all you have to do is find it!

“So I saw that there is nothing better than that a man should rejoice in his work, for that is his lot. Who can bring him to see what will be after him? Ecclesiastes 3:22”


6. What if I can't find another job? The economy is bad- I should just be grateful for the one I have- right?

Yes, you should be grateful. But, first try to get your priority’s straight. Is money more important than happiness? I hope not. But don’t get me wrong, we do need a job, we do need money. But, we don't need so much money- you'll be surprised how little people can live on. Honestly, you're going to find another job sometime or an other. Can you really see yourself living your whole life and not getting another job opportunity- if you quit the one you have now?

7. Is this really what God's “plans” for me are? This job, right now?

I don't know what God's plans are- I'm not God(: Talk to him about it, but here's a bible verse.

“Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free. Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.” Ephesians 6:5-9


And to the friend I wrote this for- this is it. This is last post I'm writing about your job. It's up to you now. I care about you and only want the best for you- that's why I'm pushing so hard. But, that's it. Hope I helped and didn't harm. I know I don't know what you're going through, I just know what I see when I talk to you. Love you friend.

Promises

"For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believith in him, shall not parish but have eternal life" -John 3:16

I think I'm not streching far when I say that's the most popular bible verse- because it is! During football games, people would hold up signs saying "John 3:16". You would see hundreds of them! Sometimes I wonder if they really understood the real meaning of this verse.

It's not just- God sent Jesus to die, and if we believe where saved. NO, it's more than that! It says "For God so LOVED the world". He didn't just love Jesus disciples, or his followers. He loved the people who killed Jesus on the cross! He loves everyone EQUALLY! "No one greater, no one smaller, by the payroll or the color of skin" -Jeanne Marie

"He gave his only begotten son" God is a parent, do you think it was easy for Him to let his son die? In the bible it says God looked away. He was so saddened by this event, he couldn't even watch! That's pretty powerful- to a God that can do anything. But in this line, there is a promise. A promise to us. The word "gave".  In modern english gave, means to give someone something. That's exactly what God did, He gave Jesus to us. But not only did he give him to us, he died for us. So now everytime you sin, you're forgiven! No matter what it is- because "For God so LOVED the world".

"That whoever believith in him shall not perish but have eternal life" I would be hard headed to say that everyone knows Jesus and everyone has him as their savior, because that's not true. This saddens me because they're giving up on this promise that God offers us. "Shall not perish". All you have to do is have faith, and if you have faith you're guaranteed "eternal life". Do you get how big that promise is? He is saying, even if you murder someone, even if you've raped someone, even if you've robbed someone- if you believe Jesus is you're savior, you're fogiven and guaranteed a spot in heaven. That is the reason why this verse is so popular. It's the guarantee. I leave you at this, if you're in sorrow about something- put it on the cross. If you're disappointed- leave it on the cross. If you're angry at someone- place it on the cross. Because the cross is where all sins die- because of the person who died on it first!

TWLOHA

Hey Blogger readers! As you can see my website is totally different! I learned how to do something called- coding. It took me a couple hours but it's now up! Do you like it? Well the reason why I'm writing this is to tell you about the gadget to the right of this post. It says "Social Vibe". All you have to do is click the box and it will redirect you to their website. All you have to do is complete activity's. They're really easy, a couple of questions. For every 3 activity's you complete 27 minutes of suicide prevention is given.

TWLOHA(to write love on her arms) is and organization that is very dear to my heart. I found this website after my friend told me she was going to kill herself. I was the only person she told- so it was as if, if she died it would be my fault. I googled something about suicide and their website came up. During the time in my life when i was cutting, I would go to this website- every time i found hope.

This is off the TWLOHA website- their vision

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

VISION:

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

So there is a little bit about them, please take a minute of your time- that's all it takes! Thanks God Bless!

A poem

I wrote this, with Jesus, and for Jesus. It's about the struggles in my past, and trying to forget. When everytime I look down, I see the scars. But, to remember that Jesus doesnt remember, so why should I?

Jeremiah 31:34
“For I will forgive their wickedness
and will remember their sins no more.”

With Every Tear

At a time when I was lost
I felt as though I was tossed
I did some things that I shouldn't of
Because I felt as though I wasn't loved

Now everytime I look down
I can't help but frown
Cause all I see is sins
Written on my wrist like a hyme

You said you've forgotten
But why do I feel so rotten?
Why do I sin oh Lord?
At a price I can't afford

But you tell me not to fear
Cause my sins died with every tear
That day your love shined for me
I have now been set free

Although the scars won't go away
My sins have died anyway
And now on judgement day, I won't fear
For you are my light all year

Thank you Jesus for all you've done
You're my only number one
I love you so much
Thank you Jesus

I wrote this in less than 10 mins, its still really choppy. I need to change some more things. But, I think it's pretty good. Tell me what you think in the comments.

Healing

This topic; Healing, was the topic Creation Fest focused on. This topic; Healing, was the topic I've been focusing on in my life. This topic; Healing, was the topic God was focusing on for my life. So, it was very appropriate that Creation preached on this topic.

As many of you know, I finally confessed my sins, not only to myself but to people. Well, two people, my mom and my pastor. But, before Creation my own mom didn't know about this sin.

I went into Creation focusing on the music. I wanted to see Jamie Grace, and Tenth Avenue North, I didn't go into it thinking I would grow spiritually. Man was i wrong! I grew so much it got to a point where i didn't even care about the music and the artists.

Back to the topic. The first night, i couldn't sleep. I was freezing my butt off! At 4 in the morning i took out my phone and read the bible. It was open to john, so i read john 1. I finally feel asleep. (i know that's random, but its important)

On the 2nd night of creation i was laying in bed half asleep, having a nice talk with my mom. It was nice cause we never have those conversations anymore. Then out of the blue she tells me she found my blog. I flipped out. Her intentions where good, but i couldn't see that then. I poured my heart out on this blog. Some of the things she read on here she never knew. But, it may have been my fault cause i don't like to express my feelings in words, in speaking. I'd rather me type them. I didn't like her knowing all my business cause unlike you guys reading this, i don't have to see you, EVER! My mom on the other hand i have to see everyday!

I went to bed, scared. Scared that i may get in trouble. Scared not knowing the future. The next day the speaker gave an amazing sermon called "I'm amazing". He explain how each of us are amazing, no matter what happened in are life. He got a lot deeper than i could express on here, but i can tell you there was not one dry eye. I was in the mosh pit area, while my mom was in her sit. Once he finished, he told us to "Take it to the cross". Then encouraged us to go to the cross, where there would be people to pray with us. I didn't budge, but everything inside me was yelling at me to go to the cross. Next thing i know my mom is behind me hugging me and telling me she loves me. I walked away, and went to the cross. I didn't know what to do, i looked around and people where crying, hurdled up together praying. There was a table with pens and paper. I knelled down in front of the cross and wrote down my sin. I folded it and held it to my heart. I walked down and sat in front of the cross holding back my tears. What was i doing here? I didn't know. Then a very attractive guy comes up to me and held me, looked me in the eyes and asked my name. He then started to pray. I cried, he held me so hard. After we where done praying he looked at me and said "Your beautiful, don't ever forget that. I'm here for you if you want to talk". He continued to hold me still i stopped crying. I told him thanks, and he left. Next thing i know i see my mom coming to sit next to me. I looked at the cross, knowing if i where to ever tell her of my sin it would have to be now. I looked at the paper i had folded. I gave it to her, she gave me her's. She cried, and told me i have to forgive myself that i couldn't hold on to that guilt anymore. More people came up to pray. One lady was holding me to my left, my mom was holding me to my right. As we prayed the hands on my back started to increase, at the end of the prayer over 4 strangers came to me and prayed. We stayed at the cross for a while, i prayed with so many other people. All of us here (over 100) we where broken. We where looking for forgiveness Jesus has already given us.

The third day comes, i was excited for Tenth Avenue North and Francesca. There music has gotten me through a lot. Again the sermons where amazing, but if i told you everything amazing this blog would be longer than it already is getting. Anyway, fast forward to tenth avenue Norths signing. I talked to Mike, I told him how his song "Healing Begins" was the reason why i choose to confess my sins. He smiled and told me "isn't it freeing". He then told me to read John 1 and memorize it. Everyday of creation i heard John 1, John 1, John 1. (: God i got you. John 1.

That which was from the beginning, that which we have heard, that which we have seen with our eyes, that which we beheld, and our hands handled, concerning the Word of life 1:2(and the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare unto you the life, the eternal life, which was with the Father, and was manifested unto us); 1:3that which we have seen and heard declare we unto you also, that ye also may have fellowship with us: yea, and our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ: 1:4and these things we write, that our joy may be made full. 1:5And this is the message which we have heard from him and announce unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 1:6If we say that we have fellowship with him and walk in the darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: 1:7but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanseth us from all sin. 1:8If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1:9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1:10If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
John 1

Finally the last day comes. This is totally off topic, but i got to meet Jamie Grace. She was backstage and i waved her down. She came out, she already knew who i was which was cool. We talked about Lindsay(: She's so nice! Check her out.

The last sermon comes on. He talked about how his dad bought him for 200$ and his dad repeatedly told him he wish he never had. The preacher then explained, that he got into cocaine, alcohol, pot, everything! But, than he found Christ. He told us that our chooses don't define who we are! We than told us to bow our heads. He said to repeat after him if you believe in god and you want to go to heaven. I did repeat the prayer. Than he said if you prayed that i want you to raise your hand, don't listen to the devil when he tells you not to. I raised my hand. He said now stand up, and remember dont listen to the devil. I stood. I looked and saw thousands and thousands standing. He than said if your standing to head over to the prayer tent and be prayed with. I really didn't want to! But, as he said that thousands obeyed. If they could, I can. As i got there, a lady came up to me and handed me a packet. In the packet was a portion of the bible. can you guess what portion.....JOHN 1!!! She prayed with me and 5 other teen girls, who also stood.

This weekend was so amazing. I missed so many details! Its okay i may write some more post about the lessons i learned. But, I urge you to confess your sins. You cant live with the burdens of your sins. You can hid them from your friends and family, but not yourself. You don't realize this weight till you release it, and put your sin on the cross!

2 Corinthians 5:17-21
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation.
The old has passed away; behold, the new has come…
...For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin,
so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.